Wednesday, November 14, 2018

The Liar

But you vowed infront of Lord that,
                      all our journey would be together.
Now, is not unfair that you leave me alone on earth?

So, I call you the biggest of all liars!

Saturday, November 10, 2018

My love for you

I do not need your love back to love you.
I just need me for that.

Friday, November 9, 2018

ഒരു നാൾ ഞാൻ നിന്നിലലിയും

നാളെ,
ഇരുപുഴകളെങ്കിലും നാമൊഴുകി ഒരേ സമുദ്രത്തിൽ,
ഒന്നായി ചേരുമ്പോൾ,
ഈ പ്രകൃതിക്കു പോലും എന്നെ തടുക്കാനാവില്ല.
എന്നെ നിന്നിലലിയുന്നതിൽ നിന്നും.

Thursday, November 8, 2018

He moves out

Mr.D. moved out of house on Saturday. Though I have asked a time period of six months of staying away, he said "As you said two months of separation I will stay away for two months." The point is that, he wants to take Maria to his hometown during Christmas holidays for his niece's baptism. 

The wonder is that he still believes that there is some point in continuing this marital relation. According to him, reconciliation is possible. But, my question is, who has to reconcile here? He or Me? The sad answer happens to be Me. That is I need to forget, forgive, and continue this relation so that they would their current luxurious and easy going life ahead!

After Mr.D. moved out, no one called me, though Amma and my brother were aware that he is moving out. No one called me till day to ask about my state. Yesterday I then called Amma, to check if I can book her tickets. Then she asked if Mr.D. has moved out. And, not surprisingly, she is hesitant to come and help me out.

I do not, why the Universe(or God) has created my life this way. To be lonely by birth is what I have undergone. These are one of the most difficult stages of my life. Still, even the womb that carried me seems to not to be concerned of my state.

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Thoughts

എനിക്കെന്റെ മുഖം സുന്ദരമാക്കേണ്ടതില്ല
എന്റെ ശരീരം വടിവൊത്തക്കേണ്ടതില്ല
എന്റെ സംസാരം മധുരതരമാക്കേണ്ടതില്ല.

കാരണം, എന്നെ തിരഞ്ഞു വരാൻ ആരും ഇല്ല.


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Of late, I realised that,
             I do not need worry about
                          my dry skin, chapped lips and dark under eyes.
             Nor I need to worry about my heavy body.
             Neither do I need to talk and walk attractive.

Since, I have no one to come in search for me.

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

I Envied People

I envied people who are being loved.
                          who have someone to love.

I envied people who have been mothered and fathered.
                          who had siblings.

I envied people who have shoulders to lean onto.
                          who have helping hands at their service.

I envied people who have people to talk to.
                          who have hearts to listen to, around them.

I envied people who can laugh, smile, cry, shout.
                          who have desire to live long.

I envied people who believe in miracles.
                          who have met with miracles.

And, as I look back, I realise that I have been envying people all long.

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Lonelyness

As I await my separation, I feel extremely lonely and left out.

The feeling that I'm going to play the roles of mother and father for Maria, makes me cry. Looking at her my heart sobs. I control my tears.

I wish that I overcome these struggles fast and move on. For me and for Maria.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Updates

Things are going pretty bad on my life these days. Visiting advocates for the divorce procedures are giving new insights, which scares me. They informed me about the chances of Maria being abducted by Mr.D.. All his deed are being oriented towards harassing me, is what advocates say. 

I met two advocates by now. I wasn't very happy with the first one. So went for the second advocate. Though, the second person's office is too far and expensive, he seemed to be much better. 

After much fights and discussions, Mr.D. has agreed to move out of house (of course under certain conditions). This decision he told me yesterday. He says he would move out by Saturday. This was a shock for me, since now I have to arrange for alternate solutions for Maria's pick up and other activities. He seems not so so bothered about how I will handle the situation.

Though I have been anticipating this so eagerly, I feel left out and lonely now. As I analyse the situation I feel, I do not have any soft feelings for him but a feeling of living alone henceforth scares me. 

Yes. I have become alone. I have always been alone in my life. I still continue to be lone.

Sunday, October 21, 2018

I sent you

Far away, aloof physically, daily I sent you
          - love
          - peace
          - health
          - respect
          - abundance
          - success and
          - complete surrender.

I turn, could you love me back? Passionately? Full of devotion?

I wish so.

Saturday, October 20, 2018

The Thief

He enters your heart,
        steals your love, heart and smiles,
        rips apart your soul,
        makes your heart bleed,
        puts you in unfathomable pain.
And elopes with your heart & soul!

But, I pity you, The Thief,
       for my heart, no more, has any love left;
                   it was all poured once on you.
       for my soul can no more live;
                   it has bled to death.

And hence, I pity you, The Thief,
               for what you stolen have lost
                         the warmth, tenderness, passion and life,
                                   that you once yearned for.

Thursday, October 18, 2018

The Unforgivable Deed

I will not forgive you,
        for making me fall in love with you
        for bringing back my smiles
        for wiping my tears
        for evoking my desire to live
        and then for tearing my heart apart.
For you took the abode lone, saying The Father called!

Monday, October 15, 2018

Love wins over vanity

I never felt that I will fall for someone - Vanity.

I was so blindly sure of this fact that,
             when I fell for you,
             I went blind - Love.

And then, angels proclaimed - Glory! Love won over vanity!!

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Thoughts & Feelings

Among all the women and men I met,
           you are the most handsome,
           you walked and talked most gracious,
           you have the kindest eyes,
           and you have the brilliance I sought.
And I wish that you have the most lovable heart too.

Sunday, October 7, 2018

What an idea Sirji!!

Mr.D.'s presence has been hindering my recovery from my illness. Yes, he himself has caused this state of mine. But the non-cooperation towards my efforts for recovery by him and more chaos and drama being deployed everyday are shutting down my chances of recovery. Since Ayurmana proved to be effective in many ways in my illness, one assumption is that his absence has greatly aided it. Hence, as a trial mechanism of recovery, Mr.D. has been requested to stay away from me atleast for a few months, so that I recover and finish my PhD.

Two of my uncles visited his parents to discuss/inform the same. Mr.D.'s parents reacted this way:
  1. The moment my uncles said there is some marital issues between their son and Anna, Mr.D.'s mother started saying since eight years or so she knew that Anna is a bad lady, not valuing family. Anna is so bad that she has spoiled peace of mind of their entire family.
  2. My uncles said that Anna has illness and needs time to recover. And hence it would be ideal if Mr.D. can stay away from Anna for a few months.
  3. According to them, it's already 11 years of marriage, and hence there is no meaning of separation now. It would be good if my uncles can make me understand this precious piece of information.
  4. Mr.D.'s mother started crying saying that her son's 11 years got wasted. So, this was a business for them!
  5. They said Mr.D.'s father had undergone angiogram, six months back, my uncles should be careful in talking. 
  6. The moment the word 'separation' came from uncle's mouth, they said: "Actually we have no complaints about her. We are extremely happy with her. We will never ask our son to move out. If she wants she can register complaint. But we need kid(Maria)." Uncles said: "This is not proper. Since Maria is a girl she needs to be with Anna only." The esteemed in-laws replied: "Come what may, we need kid."
  7. Repeated explanations from my uncles regarding my recovery made them make a very interesting point. It goes like this.
             If Mr.D. moves out, he would have to stay alone and will have mental pressure. Hence it is also expected that Anna too stay alone(taking care of Maria and managing PhD and household) without any help(neither my Mom nor my brother should support me) and should undergo the same mental stress as Mr.D. undergoes. Only under this condition Mr.D. may move out. Makes sense right!
Btw, I'm bowed at their IQ level. Also it is to be noted that the above statement means that if my mother or brother helps me out, I can survive happily without Mr.D.. Yes, I meant HAPPILY! Then, what according to them is Mr.D.'s role in my life as a husband?

Saturday, October 6, 2018

My reading habits

I have been an ardent fan of books from my childhood days. My father has inculcated this habit into my blood, both by making me read  and by his own reading habits. There were days when I have spent my late nights in reading, unable to stop my enthusiasm to know what goes next. But the surprise is that, I'm a lark person. These reading habits existed till the marriage. My reading went down, during the marital phase but in the past few years I'm regaining this passion of mine. 

But, looking back, I feel a lot my reading preferences have changed. In my childhood and teenage days, I have been a fan  of novels (both Malayalam and English), both fiction and non-fiction. I used to re-read certain books and such an activity used to bring some kind of nostalgia in me. A day with Jane Austin or Hardy or MT would ease my brain like anything and I used to love doing that. I clearly remember, once during my vacation, I kept reading Far Away From Madding Crowd till around 4.00am and Amma, who was sleeping in another room, kept scolding me that the lights are still on.

But, recently such classics do not seem to excite me. This I assume is probably because the struggles that I have gone through. Probably my brain tells me that the stories are just stories and life is much different. And so, my reading preferences are changing. The type of books that can keep me engaged and force me to finish reading are more 'serious' ones like Shashi Tharoor, English poetry, and the ones like Brain Rules from John Medina. These books are more of analytical type and fact based, and I enjoy how the authors have brilliantly gathered and coalesced information into their writing. When I read English poetry too, my feelings run around the brilliance in the author's play with the beautifully selected words.

I think I have been analysing my past struggles too much and thus am more into these analytical habits, even while reading. Anyways, I'm slowly getting back into the normalcies that existed in my life.

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I'm reading Brain Rules from John Medina these days. My pace of reading has come down with depression but I'm loving the activity. There are some very nice info available on Medina's book. Will write on them once I'm done with the book.

The book has been suggested and given to me by a friend of mine. Nothing seems a coincidence these days in my life. Especially meeting him and another friend of mine from my previous lab. The direct and indirect support that I receive during this toughest period from these two is unfathomable. More about them later...

Incident, Thoughts

Wife (to then husband) : Why did you get married?
Husband : Because I turned 28.

Husband (to then wife) : Why did you get married?
Wife : I had no choice.

Friday, October 5, 2018

At this moment

It's 9.30pm IST, here in Mumbai. I'm feeling extremely tired and depressed today. I really wish that I could fall onto someone's hands and cry out my heart for a few minutes. 

All was well in the morning. Maria had fever and her exams are going on. Her class teacher suggested that she can take exam on another day if she wants. The girl is not happy with the idea of taking exam alone on another day and hence was firm on giving her exam today itself. So, I took her for the exam and waited for the entire duration of exam, on the primary section's corridor, with John Medina's Brain Rules as my company. 

But somehow, there were more things that happened today. I don't even feel like writing them down. But I'm feeling all lone, lethargic and drawn out today. 

And how I wish that I'm able to cry my heart out and be out of this depression episode.

And, O heart, heart, heart!
O these bleeding drops of red!!
What on earth, would stop you from bleeding,
For therapeutics for such pains are yet to be known!!

Winning the game

That day, walking along the shores,
he asked me, if I have anyone in mind.
Feeling his secret glares, I wondered what to reply.

He again asked,
Are you considering any man for your future.

Here, I look at his brilliance, surprised.
My yes, would lead to the question Who.
Then I will have to take his name.
My no, would make him feel that I don't love him.

But I said. Yes. And I clasped his palm.

He smiled at me, for having won the game.
Then, he hugged me tight and said. You won my heart.

Thursday, October 4, 2018

Thoughts & Feelings

I shed my pounds to make him happy.
Nay, he wasn't.

I talked sweet to make her happy.
Nay, she wasn't.

I smiled and laughed to make them happy.
Nay, they weren't.

I realised, my actions made none happy except one.
And that one is me.

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

During this trial period

I'm going through one of the most difficult stages of my life these days. Since Mr.D. has decided not to move out of my house (I pay rent, bills and take care of the household), it's getting more and more worse for me to keep me positive and self-supportive. The psychological torturesome drama that he plays, is forcing my neurons not to recover, how much ever medications I take. Even yoga and my jogging schedules are not helping me to get over the difficulties. My doctor is unable to reduce my medicine dosage, irrespective of the counseling and the strength that he and my friends offer.

One of the most difficult stage here is, not getting proper help from my own family. Family people are scared that if I get divorce before finishing my PhD, they might have to support me, physically and financially. They assume that once I'm employed then my divorce is going to be my issue and I will manage without any support from them. I have developed emotions such as indifference, indignation, dejection towards my brother and my mother. There was a time when I was shameful about the treatment that I received from my them. Now I feel how cruel it was for them to treat me that way. I do not pity me, but I'm surprised with the question as to why I should go through all of these. Neither my childhood nor my marital life has been abuse free. Looking back I just can't believe that I have gone through all these negativities, which were enough for me even to end my live. 

Today, morning I talked to my brother. He says I'm torturing mother by shouting at her and telling her that she has forced me into the marriage. He says that mother might develop heart attack if I talk to her like that. He kept 'shouting' that I should never talk to her that way and says that she never forced me into this marriage. And he asked a question in between,
      "Are you the type of person who always obeyed Amma."
I asked, "Can you tell me an instance where I haven't obeyed her?" 
For that he said,
     "I can't recollect any instance when you obeyed her."

Now, tell me how do I respond to these proofless barbed allegations.These are exactly the situations that make me go numb. Yes, I'm numb. Speechless. Shameful. All at these, irresponsible and shameless counter arguments.

Again, sitting here on my desk aloof, I wish that I be able to overcome my state alone. I wish that I reach a state wherein I leave them numb, with my own family, my happiness, success and abundance!

Monday, October 1, 2018

Thoughts & Feelings

You showed up when I needed someone the most.
You saw that I'm in pain.
And you left in haste because you were in search of happiness.

Friday, September 28, 2018

The plans and fears

After painfully going through a forced abusive marriage, I have been feeling at times that to live happily I do not need a marriage. A satisfying job would make me more happy, I feel. But, in reality, many a times I get scared to death at the mere thought of spending alone the rest of my life. On the flip side, I'm highly scared of getting into another marriage as well. To be safe and independent has become a priority now than to be happy by getting into an unpredictable marriage.

In retrospect, I see what I expected out of marriage. Being lived fatherless, I always had thought (infact I strongly believed) that I will get married to a father like figure. Having gone through painful experiences from my own mother and my brother, I had wanted a big family. Something like three children is what I always had written in my brain. I also wanted my loving in-laws with me and dreamt of having good relation with siblings of my husband. 

I sit and wonder now, how all my dreams have turned upside down, with no fault of mine. Was it too much to ask for, when I wished to have a stable family? Anyways, I realise now that, whatever had happened cannot be erased from my life past. But wish that I could recover and heal as early as possible. I wish that all my pains end.

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Thoughts & Feelings

Loving him left me just with some feelings.
And the feelings are
pain, pain, and pain.

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Hope this phase ends....

I talked to Mr.D. the need of separation now. He listened initially. The points that I raised are:
  1. Normal families do not function like this. This is an extremely dysfunctional family.
  2. I have lost trust in him because of various reasons, including the case that he and his brothers solely have a WatsApp group.
  3. In a normal family, according to me, everything is shared. In this family, I have no idea of what he does, his financial details, mobile, his contacts etc.. (I wanted to say that sex between husband and wife, is the epitome of mutual sharing between them. According to me, once a man and woman agrees to be in marriage, everything including their physical body is shared among each other. Since we never had any proper sex, except that he wanted a baby out of this marriage, and I feel extremely uncomfortable talking these things with him, I withheld myself from taking this point.)
  4. I have a feeling that, he shows some competition to get Maria. I said that rather than we both rights on her, she has rights over her father and mother. So, wherever she is, even after separation, both will have equal rights on her and I would obviously have no issues in he visiting her, even for the duration which she would be with me. The moment he heard this he said, "I WILL NEVER COME TO YOUR HOUSE AFTER SEPARATION." 
  5. Rather than all three living unhappy lives like this, it will be better if we get separated and live separately happy.
  6. I, as a human being, have the right to get over my health issues. This environment has given me the diseases. Now i need to get over it.
  7. I know that i will have financial struggle, once separation occurs till my PhD is over. But, I still feel it is better t be separated because, only in that case I will recover.
  8. As a male, his chances of getting married after seperation is likely, so he can show Maria how a good family runs. 
  9. I'm scared that, being in this family condition, in future, Maria would even say that she doesn't want to get married at all. 
  10. In case of separation, it would be good if we can approach the process much peacefully than in a negative manner; this would help all three of us.
 He started responding after sometime only. His points:
  1. All families are like this only. People adjust but I don't adjust.
  2. Better to try to resolve the conflicts than seperation. Only then Maria would be happy.
  3. I have treated him very very bad, so I dont need to clain that my disease is an aftereffect of his actions and words.
  4.  I don't need to say, 'as a human being'; it sounds weird.

Sunday, September 16, 2018

Loving me

Love yourself first. people tell me.
How. I ask.

Pamper yourself. Put you on high preference. They tell.
I tried but failed. I replied.

Then they recite a broken recipe.
Get out to nature,
         eat green,
         improve  endorphins, dopamine, serotonin,
         walk, jump, run,
         read, write, paint,
         cry, shout, scream,
         be playful, laugh a lot, smile at people,
         be kind, be contempt.

Nay, these rules do not work. Still I can't love me. I said.

But, on my lone walk, after a Sunday Mass,
I asked Me, how do I love you dear.

And I told Me.
There are only two commandments.
One - you not to attempt anything that would hurt you.
Two - be your own beloved and your parent.

And, now, I'm loving me.

Thursday, September 13, 2018

And, O those weired blunders of mine :(

Goodness save me now!
Few days back, I was browsing through Prashant Miranda's works from his Facebook page. Before that, I did a poem for Jesna. This was done as a fun activity. My weird brain made me to think of sending it to her, on the Facebook chat (I was sitting infront of Facebook). I generally don't do that from Facebook since I'm not too regular on Facebook. Such a foolish idea it turned out to be. And I pasted the entire stuff onto Prashant Miranda's chat window!!! Luckily it carried no nonsense. But still... I apologized him but do not know what to do now. I'm scared, what would he think? Anyways, since the probability of meeting him ever in this lifetime is going to be almost null, I'm relieved.

Anyways, I said a temporary goodbye to Facebook after this incident, partially also because of my schedule and tensions.

And so, taking a break from Facebook for a few months. Let the PhD work progress to some extend and then can be back there. Till then, blogs, poems, and PhD work!

I'm recollecting some other such incidents done by me in the past.
     1. This incident happened during my graduations days. The nearest railway station for us was Tirur then. Once I was returning from my home to the college. I went to the railway station ticket issue counter and asked,
             "One ticket to Tirur."
             "I can issue ticket for you to any railway station in India from here, except Tirur." The person at the ticket counter replied. I started to think when and why Indian railway policies were changed. I then asked him politely,
             "Why Sir?"
             "Kutty, we are not allowed to issue tickets from Tirur to Tirur, from this counter." He replies even more politely.
      Ah, so that is the case! I'm into laughter and he smiles.

     2. Once I sent a mail to my co-PhD friend, detailing about some discussions that happened on one of the common topic that we both are working on. I made my writing in a very funny way. And this mail was sent to my professor instead of my friend. Luckily, the sarcasm was only on the topic and some related papers and did not carry anything about the professor. I understood my blunder, when I received a reply mail from my professor, appreciating my writing skills (he was very happy to see my skills and appreciates me for this even now). And my feeling when i read his mail...

But, but, I'm not alone in the boat. I have a friend, who in the middle of an examination stood up and asked loudly to the teacher, if answer to "question X" should only be written as "Y" or a full explanation on "Y" is needed. Since, in reality the answer for "question X" was "Y", the teacher ended up removing that entire question from the question paper for all the divisions. Tell me, ain't I better than this friend of mine?

Wednesday, September 5, 2018

Pain, pain, pain again

A few incidents happened in the last few days and I'm now not sure ifever i would recover from my depressed state. As I gaze back, the depression has attacked in me two ways. One is the sudden type of attack which occurs just after or during the cause of a depressive incident. This type is often caused by the words, actions and attitudes by my mother and brother. Their harsh words and negligence often times dagger through my heart, making my heart bleed. This might be because, when in difficult states, I expect that atleast they would be ready to help me out and when they deny my pleads, I feel lost. One such incident happened when I requested mother to help me out by staying with me, if Mr.D. would move out of house. She simply said that it is going to be difficult for her! And my heart cries here. With no one to help out. I want someone to take care of Maria, if Mr.D. is asked to move out. She has raised complaints against me to her son and he too has stopped calling me, together with her.

On another incident, I asked brother, if it would be possible for him to come to Mumbai once to meet the lawyer to discuss the legal proceedings of separation. He said it will be difficult since he will be in India only for three weeks and need to go to Bangalore for two days. I just can't digest these. You can't even come for a single day, to save your sister's life. Yesterday I asked him, if he could pick me and Maria up from the airport, when we reach hometown. Now this travel is planned for attending his son's baptism! He said it's not possible for him, since he would reach a day back of my travel he would have jet lag. What reasons are these? And I'm suddenly thrown into the filthy state of negligence and unwantedness. No one wants me. No one cares for me. It does not matter to anybody in this world, whether I'm alive or not. I just doesn't matter for them!!

The second type of attack doesn't happen just after the incident. It takes time for me to even realize the incident. Then slowly I digest the attack. And I fall into deep pits. Unable to get back. This is often caused my Mr.D.. His harsh words and violent actions generally makes me numb to react, since I already have the rooted feeling that no one help me out of this state. So I got numb when he called me fatherless, when he beat me, when he threw food on me. But after sometime, I realize something has happened. Then I just fall! The heart tears apart. Wanting to end my life.

You know, I had a sonography done for my right breast today. I had a doubt of a lump. Though the test turned out to be negative, I have deep pain within me now. I had no one to inform when I had the doubt. So went through the doubts and pains all alone. I sat alone outside the sonography lab, when all others who have come there for the test has been accompanied by atleast one person.

The pain chokes me.
It's choking up my throat.
I wish that my life ends somehow...
I wish that I sleep forever, and that would put an end to all my pains.

Monday, September 3, 2018

I'm fed up of hating, disliking, crying, ....

Of late my feelings are these.

I feel so much fed up of hating people...
I'm fed up of complaining...
I'm fed up of disliking people...
I'm fed up of crying and my tears...
I'm fed up of lack of smile on my face...

Yes, I want to love people.

I want to smile and laugh.
I want to feel being cared and loved.
I want to feel being wanted.
I want to enter a thankfulness sate.
I want to get healed.
I want to feel contented and happy.


Above all, I want to be loved! I just want to be immersed in love!!

Monday, August 27, 2018

Onam 2018

For this Onam, Maria wanted a 'complicated' pookkalam. The girl is growing up and is getting more demanding. Usually pookkalam is designed and set by me in the most simplest way. I start by drawing a circular boundary and then draw some flower pattern inside and fill it up with the flowers available. But this time Maria wanted a google search for the pookkalam designs! She has excellent taste and has come up with designs in which thiruvathirakkali,  good shade effects, some scenery, Maveli, Krishna, peacock, etc. are being made. At last, after much of discussions, I could convince her for a design with Kathakali face. And below is the outcome.




Btw, Maria do not do much work :) She commands and I had toiled to make the pookkalam work. Hm...

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

The Labies and Thier Characteristics

My lab mates, let me call them Mr.Roy and Mr.Kumar (I will call me Ms.Me here), and me are having some good times. The following is some scenarios and how we three would react when encountered with these situations. Some are real and some imaginary.

Scenario: You find them as
Mr. Roy: A happy, motivating person.
Ms. Me: Always worrying, but laughs often no idea why.
Mr. Kumar: A calm healthy man, always ready to help out.

Scenario: When in smile
Mr. Roy: Cute smile and blushes.
Ms. Me: Can't smile, only laughs.
Mr. Kumar: That calm and serene smile.

Scenario: Meeting a person they don't like
Mr. Roy: Acts as if he has met with an accident in the near past and has lost his memory.
Ms. Me: "You bloody fellow"; thinks this but keeps quite. Acts brave.
Mr. Roy: Thinks "You again", but try to act calm.

Scenario: Their heart is with
Mr. Roy: Don't know where it is.
Ms. Me: With someone else.
Mr. Kumar: With everyone around.

Scenario: Sleeps at
Mr. Roy: Odd timings are best.
Ms. Me: Sleep at 9.00pm sharp and thinks otherwise the world would close down.
Mr. Kumar: Sleep at anytime.

Scenario: When they want to go for the evening tea (which they will have together)?
Mr. Roy: 6.00pm
Ms. Me: 4.00pm
Mr. Kumar: 5.00pm

Scenario: Worries about
Mr. Roy: No worries.
Ms. Me: Can easily worry about anything and everything under universe.
Mr. Kumar: Post post-doc life.

Scenario: When on YouTube
Mr. Roy: Good old songs and motivational videos.
Ms. Me: Some philosophy which even Einstein wouldn't grasp; but no worries, just listens.
Mr. Roy: Yoga sessions.

Scenario: What do they do in PhD?
Mr. Roy : Don't know, but no worries.
Ms. Me: Don't know; someone please tell me what to do.
Mr. Kumar: Don't know and hence worried.

Scenario: How did your PhD life begin?
Mr. Roy: Want Nobel Prize.
Ms. Me: Want Turing Award.
Mr. Kumar: Want Godel Prize.

Scenario: Current PhD state.
Mr. Roy: Sir, I request you to kindly give me my degree.
Ms. Me: Someone, please give me some degree.
Mr. Kumar: Please give me my doctoral degree.

Scenario: What they want to do after completing their PhD in Computer Science?
Mr. Roy: Organic farming.
Ms. Me: Hide in a forest.
Mr. Roy: Post-doc or job; confused.

Sunday, August 12, 2018

Maria's Boyfriend

Yesterday evening Maria announced that she has a boyfriend in her class. The eight year old was emotionless when she said that, while I looked at her in surprise. I thought, it is these media that makes kids feel all these at such a young age. Then I asked her,

        "Who is a boyfriend?"
       "A boy who is a friend is a boyfriend. If you have girls as friends you call them girlfriends." The little voice replied.
       "Ok. So now you have a boyfriend. What's his name?" I asked, partially not knowing what else to ask and partially curious to see what she has in her mind.
       "I don't know his name." She replied.

My God, something like love at first sight or crush? My motherly heart started the investigation.

       "Then how do you say that he is your boyfriend?" I asked.
     "Oh, that. Today he sat next to me in the class and we finished all the classwork together." She replied excited.

Here I don't know what to say, but to feel the innocence that she has. But after a few minutes she came smiling to me and said,

       "Amma you know he told me something."
       "What?" 
      "He told that, my handwriting is very good. That's why I'm thinking of considering him as my boyfriend." The little one says, her eyes glittering.

Now what to say? Was she feeling shy? Noway. And I'm thinking how some of these little men are wired to make girls fall for them :) :) :)

Saturday, August 4, 2018

The Low Moods

Of late, around a week, I'm feeling so low in my energies. My mood is drowning as if my life's most precious 'something' is snatched away from me. I feel as if I'm chocked and tears are coming down at any time. Sudden thoughts of worthlessness surrounds me. The thoughts of the past incident, in which Mr.D. has thrown food on me, makes me feel as if I'm an unwanted dust on the earth. 

                  "Who on the earth would go through this?" My logical brain asks.
                  "You, the unworthy dust!" My emotional brain replies and that breaks me.

Tears fall down; I feel extremely weak unable to control my own emotions. The orphaned feeling amasses me from all sides. I try to decipher my own state, but I'm lost. I feel as if I have lost my own soul somewhere. Yes I have lost it. If ever someone helps me to get it back!

Yesterday afternoon onward the brain has been behaving extremely bad. An extreme sense of worthlessness addend with deep pain was all I could feel. 

               "Who am I, to feel good? To feel wanted? To feel loved? To feel being cared?" The tug-of-war between the logical and emotional counterparts becomes a war field.
               "No one. You are no one to anybody in this world. You are just a dust who was forced and fooled into am abusive marriage." The emotional fellow wins and laughs. And I'm all lost. The heart sinks and gets heavier. Even cry spells couldn't help. The unwantedness pushes me down.

At around 6.30pm Mom calls and tells me that she has been feeling that I'm in some pain. I cried a lot. I burst into her for forcing me into this marriage through her emotional drama. She listens and her voice trembles as well. 

After sometimes, Maria picks up a book gifted to me by a dear friend of mine in the past. I found it surprising but my heart breaks thinking of my once light heart.

And, O this pain!
Who amasses my mind, body and soul!
Who makes me limb on day and night!
Who on this earth can drive you away?

I seek Mother Mary and the Universe ,
To guide me, and help me to move on.
I offer my tears and pains to them,
What else can I give them, other than these aches!!

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

ആശ #3

മഴയിലിറങ്ങി നടക്കണം, കുടയില്ലാതെ.
നനഞ്ഞു നനഞ്ഞു കുളിർക്കണം,
കൈക്കുമ്പിളിൽ മഴവെള്ളം നിറയ്ക്കണം,
എന്നിട്ടു ചുക്കുകാപ്പി കുടിച്ചു മൂടിപുതച്ചുറങ്ങണം.
ഇതാണെന്റെ ആശ.

Monday, July 30, 2018

When Maria enters home from school

When Maria enters home from school, 
  • Her school bag flies to south.
  • Her umbrella flies to north.
  • Her raincoat and kerchief flies to east.
  • Her shoes flies to west.
  • And my sweet angel stands at Madhya Pradesh (the central state of India), and says "Amma I'm back, Kissssssssssssssssssssssssssss".
When I ask her to keep her things on place, soon after she enters home, these days, she rolls her eyes on me and says that I should say something kind and lovable, the moment I see her and not such boring things 😈.

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

ആശ #2

ഒരു കുഞ്ഞു വീടെനിക്ക് വേണം, ഫ്ലാറ്റ് അല്ല, വീട്.
കാറ്റും വെളിച്ചവും വേണം, വൃത്തി വേണം.
എന്റെ പുസ്തകങ്ങൾ വെക്കാൻ ഒരു സ്ഥലം വേണം.
കോലായിരുന്നു പത്രം വായിക്കണം, മഴ വരുമ്പോ നോക്കിയിരിക്കണം.
പച്ചക്കറിതോട്ടം വേണം, ഒരു മരമെങ്കിലും വേണം.
ഇതാണെന്റെ ആശ.

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

On Your 24th Year of Remembrance


24 years ago, on this day,
While I was on my boarding away,
To pick me up, my uncle came,
Saying Mama wants you at home.

I reached home, to see my Dad in a coffin,
Eyes closed, hands clasped, serene face content.
He has taken his eternal afterlife, a lone attempt,
Abode to the new place, without us, his loved kin.

Clergy offered the last rites, with us akin,
Entrusting his soul to the Father Almighty;
Amen's were heard, with hopes for eternity,
It seems that all need to enter the eternal inn.

"Cardiac arrest, while in sleep," doctors claimed,
His tall lean body, by now, swollen and blued.
"How come, he is just 42?" many exclaimed,
"Cigarettes burnt his heart," somber voices heard.

I saw Mama crying, leaning to his body,
Numbness was my feeling, unable to cry.
For this is the first departure I'm witnessing,
First ever in my life, and it was just a beginning.

It was the beginning of pains in our lives Dad,
To bring us up, Mama toiled her life hard;
Your children titled fatherless; while we felt orphaned,
Gone were joys, crept in fears, and three souls deserted.

Fate cannot be stopped, a lesson hard learned,
But wasn't it too early for us to learn life lessons?
Life again taught us, while we hid our silent mourns,
Only a few kind souls stood by, when we limbed. 

I wish that you are back, though I know by now,
That it's a wish in vain, to have your lips on my brow.
So are, to be wrapped in your arms long and lean,
Melting my pains and aches, feeling soul divine.

With time, my complaints have been against God!
"How to complain on the fate, to Creator Himself?" tell me Dad.
For it's being taught that, He designs the fates,
The births and deaths, and we humans punished for errs.

Time heals and pain littles, people say,
But till day, my chest aches, people lie I say.
On this day, all I need is a hug from you Dad,
I raise my solemn request to the God, our Lord!!


We missed you Dad, till day, in our lives!!

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Recurrent Depression Episode


All of a sudden, a feeling of complete loneliness surrounds me. It is disrupting my life. A life to be lived alone ahead is making me feel scary. I fear that these recurrent thoughts of worthlessness and loneliness would again push me into more deeper levels of depression.

I wish I could cry. But I cant'.

I wish that I could erase my past. But I can't. I have to live with it. I have to push myself to live on this earth all alone. There is no one to help me out. Yes, I feel I'm all alone.

At times, I simply wish that I vanish from this earth for ever and ever. But I can't.

I wish that I'm being loved. Being cared. Being touched.

The fear outpour every cell of mine. It amasses my mind, body and soul, and chokes me. I wish there is an end to these feelings. It's aching.

Thursday, July 5, 2018

My Labie Dearies

After I joined my PhD program, one of the very good things that happened in my life is that, I gained a set of very good friends who have been always understanding and reliable. Especially, my lab mates (Roy and Kumar), many a times made my day by cracking jokes and talking inspirational tots. Through the downs they stood by me; not just during the difficulties of my research but also though my personal difficulties. They were there to lend their ears for my worries and tears.

One sweet memory that I would always cherish with them is our evening 'Chaaay' outs. When I drank green tea, Roy would have a black tea and Kumar would opt for an iced tea. But our talks had the same topics and ideas.

These are the people with whom, I can worry without any guilt feeling. They are the people with whom I could conduct healthy arguments. Yes, we could argue, but never getting into conflicts. They made me feel that I'm normal even amidst my depression episodes (I remember calling Kumar, in the middle of night, at around 1.00am or so, feeling extremely depressed and thus getting suicidal thoughts). When many things in my life failed, they, knowingly or unknowingly, helped me to keep my head up, lifting up my moods. When I limbed with my difficulties, they offered their time and listened with patience and advised (even pushed me at times) to move along.

I will miss you guys once we physically part, finishing our PhD. But you will always be there in my heart as fond memories.I love you guys for all that you are!

Monday, July 2, 2018

Visit to the dentist

I have been suffering from dental issues, since my childhood. My irregular tooth structure, is to be blamed for, the dentists say. Majority of my lower teeth is being touched, at least once, by doctors by now. 

In the past week, I  have developed pain on one of my lower teeth and the pain started to increase over the weekend. See, I have this wonderful habit of delaying medical treatments to the last possible moment. So, I kept treating myself through gargling with warm saline solution and taking pain killers. But by weekend this self treatment stopped working. On Friday, in the middle of the night, I got up with sever pain and took one more painkiller. By morning pain again started and I understood that visit to the dentist is unavoidable. 

When I gathered up for the dentist, Maria also wanted to accompany me. I denied. See, when my treatment happens, she would have to wait outside the treatment room alone. She is not convinced and somehow wanted to come with me. Then she went to Mr.D. asking if he can also accompany us. After a bit of her persuasions he agreed.

Now, the treatment part. Even though I have been undergoing so many RCTs, I still carry fear for the oral injections. The doctor, sprayed a solution for partial numbness, on the location where injection is to be given. When she started to inject, I kept moving, though there wasn't much pain. Meanwhile, I was in parallel wondering, from where on earth these tears are being supplied for my eyes! And yes I'm crying now!! Was I crying being scared of the pain? Not really, I felt. All of a sudden, a sudden urge to have my father nearby struck me. I wanted to hold his hand, while the injection is being given. How childish I am, in my thirties!!

The doctor asked me not to anticipate the pain and requested me not to scare her as well! I told her that I have scared dentists from Calicut and Bangalore. And now in Mumbai doing the same, with much greater experience. She laughed and injected me with the solution. The numbness started, the procedure was done and I'm out of the treatment room.

Meanwhile, outside the treatment room, where Maria and Mr.D. were waiting, the receptionist asked Mr.D. to pay for the treatment. He paid the amount, and has messaged me the amount that he has payed for my treatment. He wants the money back. Why would he spent money on me? He hasn't done this till now. Taking any of my expenses. I ask me, why bother? Anyways you are going to set back from this life. It should be a botheration, if he takes my expenses. Otherwise not.

I have decided my life. I will take my own expenses. I will work hard for my living. I will live on my own. Once Maria is settled in her life I will go to some forest (or somewhere else), and will lead the life alone, with my upright spine.

Friday, June 29, 2018

ആശ #1

എനിക്കെന്റെ കണ്ണുനീരൊന്നു കഴുകിതുടക്കണം
പലവഴി ഓടുന്ന മനസിന്റെ കടിഞ്ഞാൽ കയ്യിലൊതുക്കണം
എന്നിട്ടു, എനിക്കൊന്ന് പൊട്ടിച്ചിരിക്കണം
ഇത് മാത്രമാണെന്റെ  ആശ.

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Mumbai Monsoon Worries

Yes, it's raining in Mumbai. A much awaited season, by Mumbaikars, to escape from the summer heat. But here I am, again tired of the season change, though I myself has been wanting it to come as early as possible. 

Me and Maria were in Kerala, during the month of May. The pre-monsoon showers has been extremely soothing me. How I love the rain in Kerala! At times I feel as if I'm in love when it rains over there. The feelings that forthcome in your brain. Gosh! Unfathomable!!

Now that I'm back in Mumbai, the monsoon also has reached Mumbai shores, traveling all along the Konkan route. But, how I feel now? Obviously not in an exemplified mood. Why?
  • After the treatment from Ayurmana, there was much reduction in my elbow joints pain. Prior the pain and heaviness over the joints were so much that I used to pour hot water, to get some soothing sensation. Once the rain has started here, the climate has turned cold. And I'm again getting my pains back. Yes, I'm still on their internal medication and do daily yoga. But still this coldness is giving me these aches.
  • At times, it's so cold that I'm unable to sleep because of it. Yea, it's also difficult for me to sleep, when it's too warm :(.
  • The clothes aren't getting dried up. My laundry basket is overflowing and the very sight irritates me (Might be this is because of my disease).
  • I'm worried of the smell and mold accumulation after the clothes dry out (you see, one feels as if they are partially dried, during rainy season), and I keep ironing them out. And yes, this is much of an extra work for me.
  • And this campus is full of cow dung and during rain they flow. And I need to walk very carefully not to step onto them. Grrrrrrrr........... How yucky I feel :(.

Monday, June 25, 2018

I wish I could escape these feelings

I think, you never escape depression. It's sturdy hands would choke your throat anytime in your life. The rugged hands have the supreme capability of killing your mind and body. It would make you feel frail and muted. You feel that you alone are the most worthless unlucky dust on the earth. You wish you could just disappear from your current life forgetting your past and wrecking you future. All the time this monster just keep scaring you. And then you are not even able to end your life at your wish. You lose your energies. You keep thinking and thinking. The mind wanders into forbidden pastures. Tears are there, not just on your eyes, they are their on your mind and soul. All accumulated but blocked, failing to come down. 

The thought that you have to live this life, though you have no wish or energy to take it ahead, is so difficult. A life to be lived which keeps killing you within. I feel so scared today that I have to live this life all alone. With none nearby. It makes me so scared and timid at times.
 
I wish I could have at least a cry and get the monster away. But in vain. I'm feeling so helpless.

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

When I tell people that I have depression

When I tell people that I have depression, I get multiple reactions:
  • Many do not understand that I have a medical condition but think that I'm sad over some unfortunate thing in my life.
  • Some don't understand what it is and asks me further questions.
  • Some are absolutely mute.
  • Some give me LOTS of advices on 'how to think positive'.
  • Some ask me to have faith in God.
  • Some blame my overambitious nature, saying that I try too much to balance my life between family and work.
  • Some blame my disbelieve in God and say that God punishes.
  • Some pity.
  • Some stare.
  • Some ask me to be a housewife to reduce tension.
  • Some do understand and leave me into my own life.
  • Some(Very few) understand and stand with me.
  • The hilarious one: This happened at Ayurmana. I met a gentleman (see my language) there, who left Ayurmana in three days after I joined the place. When I told him that I have depression(only after he asking me what my medical condition is), he immediately guessed that I have some marital issues. He started to talk to me (though I was not in a mood to talk). He didn't ask directly anything to me, but Hail his guessing capabilities. He took my number. After he left, his messages poped into my mobile like anything. He was so worried about my depression that he started to offer sex through his messages. He also regrets that for those three days that I was at Ayurmana, he couldn't invite me to his room (might be you forgot gentleman, you did call me multiple times and I denied) so that he could have had my body then and there itself. Pity, pity, pity! Pity on you!!
Now why the hell on this earth, should I feel like telling people that I have this medical condition. I will lie to you next time when you ask me what my health issue is. Hail Me! Hail my brain!! Hail my disease!!! That's it!!!!

Why Amma, Why?

Today, when I was walking down the department corridor, to meet Prof.V, my mind is indulged with the conversations I had with Amma. The "Lattice Theory", which is supposed to enthrall  my brain is failing to do so, since the time I left Ayurmana. With my mind somewhere else, my soul in another world, body at Mumbai, I can feel my brain working hard to put them together. I wish I'm back to my normal PhD life soon and the degree crowns me soon.

Finding it difficult, on Sunday I called up Amma. I wanted to check with her if she can come and stay with me in Mumbai for two weeks. She picked the call and told that she in church and some important meeting is going on. She promised to call back in the evening. But no call came. Monday evening I again called her. I could hear people singing devotional songs when she picked up the call. She told that a prayer meeting is going on and she will call me back after an hour. Again no call came. Yesterday evening I again called her. I heard Shalom TV being played on the other side. Some priest is offering Holy Mass. 

      "Hello Amma."
      "Yea tell me fast, what you wanted to tell," Amma's voice.
      "Why didn't you call me till now? It has been three days," I'm questioning her.
      "Oh, there was so much work at church and I just went busy," Amma said. I'm here losing my control over my brain. What the hell.
      "Amma, S(my co-sister), called me and told many things and she was crying a lot. She read many conversations between Mr.D. and her husband(Mr.D.'s brother). I'm in such a big trap, I feel. Or rather, why did you let me into this trap?," Now my voice has started to shiver, recollecting what S has told me.
       "Oh, is it, I never expected Mr.D. would go so much." Wasn't her voice cold.
      "Amma, can't you feel the pain I'm in? Can't you even get a bit of it? Do you at least care for me?" My voice is wet now. But silence followed on the other side and it just upset me.
     "Don't you care for me Amma. Say YES or NO." My voice raised but tears controlled.
     "Yes." Amma's voice came. I cut the call. I wanted to cry aloud falling into someone's hands. But no, I cant do that. Maria is around. She would panic. I need to wait till she goes to sleep to soak my pillows with my tears.

                              But O heart! heart! heart!
                              O the bleeding drops of red!

                              My heart, the poor heart!                             
                              The aches would tear you apart. 
                              The tears would turn red one day,
                              Pillows would fret on the stain they get.

                              
And into the forest I want my ply!!

Monday, June 18, 2018

A Letter to the Worry Queen!

At Ayurmana, Dr.Jayaprakash, checked my palms(he knows palmistry) and said that I have a very special trait. I can worry over anything and everything under the sun like a child. My friends used to ask me, "Itna sochti kyoon ho? (Why you think this much?)". I never realised that I'm the universal worry queen, till Dr.JP told me this. I have been adviced to try a some breathing techniques and mindfulness to bring this trait under control. 

Below is a letter that I'm anticipating from someone very soon :).

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To,
The Worry Queen
Worry Land

From,
A Worried Disciple
Worry Land


Your Worry Majesty,

Hail You and long live your worries!

I'm writing to you with lots of worries in my worried mind. I heard that your worry levels have been going beyond the actual worry level as prescribed by our palace worrycian. I'm much worried about you, Your Majesty!

I read in our daily "Worry News", that you not only worry when it does not rain but also worry when it rains. Your worry that our small balconies cant properly get our clothes dried during rainy days is well understood. But why do you worry that the sunny days can fade our clothes. Now, we disciples are so worried about the rain and our clothes that, our Worry Lab at Worry West has decided to start a new research on worry free clothing.

Now, Your Majesty! Our next worry is your worry that strawberries being red, oranges being orange and bananas being yellow. You know Your Majesty, there have been times when I have worried about leaves being green and sea full of water. It would, obviously have been excellent to have all black leaves (all in same black and no color variations, okie) and sea full of land and land full of water. But, what to do, this is impractical. The Creator is above us all. So I'm trying to adapt to His whimsical ways of design and creation of this universe. We have no choice, Your Majesty! No choice at all!!

And Your Majesty, you worry a lot that you worry. You also worry that we worry. But my greatest concern is when you worry that we worry about your worries. Enough Your Majesty! Enough!! We can't see you suffering through your worries. (Now I'm worried that you worry that I worry on your worries and my worries together!)

Hence, I humbly request you to stop worrying on atleast our worries. Let your worries be there with you. And let our worries be with us. I wish you to get well soon and be back to your normal worrisome life.

With much worries and thanks,

Your's truly,

Your deeply worried disciple.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NB: Now I challenge you. Who would want to compete with me in worrying. I'm pretty confident that I can beat up anyone out there in the worry zone :) :).

Sunday, June 10, 2018

On Love: as an emotion

I have been reading the concepts such as soulmates and twin flames of late. I'm liking both the concepts, though the people who speak about these concepts do not furnish any proofs on the existence of such things. The ideas seems to be very nice. Out of soulmates and twin flames, the concept of twin flames looks good. The idea of loving someone unconditionally and being loved unconditionally. But, while reading such things, I'm analyzing my own feelings. I doubt, if at all I have a brain wiring that can love someone, let apart loving unconditionally. The neural science says that, the brain wiring for unconditional love exists and is different.

I was telling my brother, post my decision about separation from Mr.D. that, I don't feel that I'm a marriageable feminine recipe. When he asked why I feel so, I admitted my inability to close my eyes towards the mistakes (major according to me), that Mr.D. and his family has done. At times, closing eyes might save marriages, I said. 

But what I realize these days is that, probably I do not need a man to complete my life. I don't say that having a man in life is a nuisance. But, I think I'll survive and live contented much better, if I do not have a truthful and trustworthy partner. I wouldn't regret that. 

Now, back to the emotion of love. I do not know what is love. The most closest feelings that I had developed till now for my dear and near ones are respect, empathy, sympathy, consideration, concern etc.. But love, I doubt if I have love for someone. Or might be love is combinations of such feelings towards someone. I don't know.

For Maria, it's a different feeling. It's all these feelings combined with responsibility. Responsibility to bring up, this little soul in the best possible way. Is it love? Again, I do not know.

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

More things at Ayurmana

Maria's leaf collection
Maria has been given some holiday works from school. One is to collect leaves. Inside and outside of Ayurmana has been excellent for this work.  We went in search for leaves and it was an awesome experience. I have not observed these many types and colors of leaves. They were all there in nature; but I never observed.More than Maria, it was me who was excited to see all these varieties of leaves.

Food at Ayurmana
The food at Ayurmana has been a surprise for me. A variety of vegetable 'combinations' that I have never come across in my life. Have they been following the complete ayurvedic pathyam/diet? I'm not very sure. Though they have been avoiding tamarind, mustard, wheat, mango etc., there was a heavy usage of coconut (they even added fried coconut paste for many dishes). Nevertheless I enjoyed the food like anything.

Greenery and the rains
Greenery has been integral part at Ayurmana. Green all around and the  edavapathi rains gave my brain a very soothened feeling. I saw all those Dashapushapa there, which I have not seen since many years. The instant look at Mukkutty and Thumpa, made me remember good old Malabar days. 

And the best part. Bird, birds everywhere. Their chirping made us look for them. And you know, we saw two peacocks also on our visit. A lady and a gentlemen. The male was looking so handsome, and dint bother to move away when we went nearby. Woodpeckers, kingfishers, robins, sparrows, mynas and some other birds(whose names i don't know), came from time to time, to give apt company for my poor recovering brain. 

Rendezvous(?) with Artist Prashant Miranda
Hey! I met an artist at Ayurmana!! Artist Prashant Miranda!! I heard his firm voice during yoga sessions and thought that he is some top management person from the software industry. I got an instant shock when he said that he is an artist. See my brain wires are so damaged. At times it takes some time for it to come to reality. It took me sometime to place him from software industry to his artistic levels. He seemed to be in his private zone, might be the brain at work. It was my last day at Ayurmana that I got to know his name. I checked his work and found that he is Prashant Miranda. The brilliance in his works have been surprising me. So, during my stressful and hopeless PhD days, I keep checking his works from his blogs, Instagram and Facebook. The works, for me, seem to be very genuine, brilliant and, as many commented, soothing as well.

Friday, May 25, 2018

On an ayurvedic treatment for depression

The things have been going quite out of control for me. The continuous hopelessness feeling have been triggering suicidal thoughts now at faster paces. My poor brain could no longer can take all these. 

My brother calls me up a day. I could seldom talk; the words got chalked onto throat; tears uncontrollable. He asked me to go on to a secluded place for a few days away from Mr.D. Again indecisiveness struck me; what to do with Maria? I rejected his proposal of going out of Mumbai for the sake of Maria.But he kept calling and calling, talking for hours regarding the need to take this break and I decided that I would go for an Ayurvedic treatment for my depression, during her vacation during the month of May. The idea was to take Maria with me when I take the break. Mr.D. opposed. He said under no circumstance Maria would be left with me. Again after lots of interferences from brother Mr.D. agreed to come to meet my current psychiatrist. Doctor advised him the relevance Maria following me for the treatment. As a result, it was agreed that I go for the three weeks treatment, Maria be there with me for half the time and for the rest half he would come and pick her up. I dint have any choice. I agreed and left for Ayurmana, an ayurvedic treatment center. 


Treatment at Ayurmana
The place, Ayurmana, has been quite warming for me. All greenery around, it took me to a homely feeling. Maria simply enjoyed the place since there was plenty of space to run around. The people over there, doctors, therapists, and all other people, were extremely welcoming and made me feel at home with their gracious gestures. 

I had no hope about any improvement over my health. The hope also needs to come from the same organ of your body which needs treatment. The doctors there have suggested a six weeks of treatment to get somewhat better, and see I'm here only for three weeks, due to my PhD and Maria. I kept telling the doctors that I would never improve but I need a few weeks of break from Mr.D.. But they were not allowing to leave me. They said let's try out level best together how much improvement can be attained.

The daily treatment included morning yoga session, a massage, a shirodhara(see i need dhara for my head), and internal medications and daily counseling. Virechana and nasya where also performed. I was also asked to consult a psychiatrist associated with the center and a psychologist. In three weeks I met them for seven times. 

Abhyangam and Shirodhara
One first thing that the doctors at Ayurmana found was that I had sever swelling all over my body. This they ascribed to a Dengue attack that I got around 2.5 years ago and the heavy dosage of anti-depressants I was consuming on daily basis. They wanted me to reduce weight, my weight being 80kg by now. But the difficulty was that my anti-depressant dosage could give a huge damn to me if I go for weight reduction diet. So this idea was dropped off soon.

The first few days of abhyangam, gave me real trouble. Wherever they touched I had swelling and pain. My face, neck, shoulders, upper back, lower back, spinal cord, hips, stomach, hands, fingers, wrists, thighs, calves, ankles, toes, all joints and everywhere. Every bit of my body is swelled up and it ached. After around one week the pain started to reduce and potli massage was started. The effects were shown up. Swelling began to come down and by the time I left Ayurmana, there was a considerable change to my bodily aches.

The shirodhara sessions were also quite effective. The day after my my first shirodhara, I slept tight after a long number of years. I never knew that I could sleep like this. The mornings looked more energetic and brighter for me. Waking up at 5.30 or 6.00 in the morning is now again possible for me. I felt all at ease in the mornings. I had heavy nightmare attacks on two days, but the sleep was not disturbed much. 

Yoga Sessions
We had a kind yoga teacher at Ayurmana. She herself has a lot of health issues but her story has been an inspiration. Though I have been practicing suryanamaskar at home, the specific yoga postures and the breathing techniques were quite pain relieving. My only question was whether it is appropriate to do breathing techniques before mastering over the body(BKS Iyengar advises not to do this). But all together yoga has done a good job to my brain and body. 

Counseling
This situational depression can be relived if and only if I move out of this situations. The message from counseling is this. Now do I go for a divorce? Do I go for permanent separation without divorce, I don't know really. But they tell me that I can live alone and only then my recovery is possible. Yes I have to take the steps but when and how I don't know. If ever I had some strong hands to support me to move out of this venomous situation. I wish I had. I wish that my father was there near me now, to help me out.

When I left Ayurmana
My swelling and body aches have reduced to a great extend though not fully. I feel like standing for me though not fully convinced. The menstrual clots have reduced. My brain feels better wired and stable. I have started to talk to people. I can laugh at jokes. I think I have started to talk some sense as well :). Above all, I feel more connected to the universe now.

NB: When Me and Maria reached Amma's house, it was around 1.30am. The flight got delayed, resulting in our late arrival. In our tiredness and disgust someone was waiting for us there at Amma's garden. The Nishagandhi flowers that blossomed that night. Three of them, all pretty, in the moonlight. These night beauties are said to blossom only once in a while and that too in the night. Amma said, that it's a good omen, and something good is going to happen. Good? Eh???

Some updates

Removing some of my previous posts.

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

O, My Weirdly Wired Brain!

Have you ever had a badly wired brain?
Ever ever in your life, a brain so insane?
I have one, if you haven't seen one,
Lifeless and tangled neurons, buried in ton.

What harm does this brain cause?
Multitudes of harms, wrapped in gauze.
Devastations and grieves, a life no goal,
Tearing your mind, body, and soul, as a whole.

It makes you cry, you not knowing why,
It makes you frown, for days you in awry.
You get that sad face, smiles begone,
The body aches, for reasons unknown.

You stare at texts, fighting the liar,
Unable to read, contents simpler prior.
Equations forgotten, experiments paused,
You not knowing why, the results falsified.

It makes you confused, self pitying full day,
Negativity turmoils, worthlessness at peak.
Your speech go bad, ideas repeated,
Forgetting words, lines unfinished.

Emptiness paramounts, inches falling apart,
Dejected, heartbroken and in despair.
A demon within tells, "You Unwanted,
Why live this life", and you feel abandoned.

Have you ever had a badly wired brain?
I have one, a weirdly wired brain.
It makes me lie that I'm fine,
But I'm crying, alone in pain.

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NB: I'm at Ayurmana, on a treatment for my depression. Here an unexpected calmness is surrounding me here. Something is making me peace with myself, I feel. More about Ayurmana, once I'm back to Mumbai.

Thursday, January 18, 2018

The physical pains

Some of my physical pains has been shooting up since a few months. I have been living with them for many years by now. One such pain is the pain on my left leg. The pain is only on the left leg. The right leg seems fine. The calves and back of thighs pains heavily from time to time. The pain grows extreme high during monthly periods. As an add-on the foot and the lower back also pains.Google diagnoses me with sciatica :(.

Post dengue, the left hand also has joined my left legs, in boosting the intensity of bodily pains. The elbows keep paining. I have grown extremely susceptible to cold environments now. Even the cold from heavy rains is creating issues for me. 

Last week, while in church I just couldn't hold on the pains. I even felt like coming home in between the Mass but continued to stay since Maria's catechism classes are there. 

What helps me in these pains?
1. Yoga: 
Yoga has been an excellent help. Bhujangasana, has eased my lower back pain and the swelling has been cured a lot after continuous practice. Earlier days, I wasn't doing the pose appropriately. In the correct posture, when the upper body is lifted up, the lower back needs to pushed. Since the time I corrected this posture and I'm reaping the results.
Uttanasana is another great posture that is helping my thighs and calves. The stretch that one feels while practicing this. Ah! Such a relief. 
While in pain, Vajrasana, Balasana, Janu Sirasana etc. gives relief. So I'm practicing them on daily basis. And am seeing remarkable differences.

2. Massage:
My local massagist, Swetha will be troubled when the pain is unbearable. She is a reflexology practitioner and soothes my pain with her magical hand movements. I, at times, make Maria walk on my left leg when the pain is  unbearable. And this is also a great relief though the doctor has advised me not to do this.

3. Hot water therapy:
This is better than massage, for the pain relief. I take bearably hot water on a bucket and dip my legs in it for sometime. This is better in the sense, the pain relief stays for more time than the massage. In case of massage, there is soothing feeling while the massage goes on, but requires some rest afterwards and the pain would still remain for more time. But in hot water therapy, as soon as the legs are in contact with hot water, there is a sudden change in the intensity of pain. And the relief pertains for a longer duration.

But, there has been many times, when even none of the above ones had been of any help. All I could do, at times, is to bear the pain and shed the tears!

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Rise up my sister! Rise up!!

Rise up my sister! Rise up!!
Life ahead is afresh welcoming you,
For you the world so open awaits,
Embrace it with your vision so clear.

Get up from bed, wipe your tears,
Put up your hair, wear your smile,
Head up, chest wide, walk in pride,
With gestures elegant, walk in grace.

Have courage, to break those broken bondages,
Your life is more than to be caged in salvages.
Your tear and pains should pay you once,
All you need is just you, to leave behind that filthy cave.

It is not a figure so lean, that you need in your life,
Neither a pair of rosy lips, nor a cozy cupboard.
Intellect, intuitions and courage be your virtues,
Ignite the fire within and bring out the warrior.

Sister dear, don't wait for those mighty arms,
Those yearnigs would only bring you harms.
For no such arms exists, nor would a Saviour be sent,
You alone are your Saviour, sent from heaven above.

Look, women around us have proved it,
Success has come to their doors.
Not a mere luck, but hard toils for sure,
Are lessons to be learnt from those mighty women.

Never give up, my sister dear,
For your daughters should learn from your bravery,
For your sons should sing your praises,
Akin around proud, glorifying you forever.


NB: I wrote this, addressing my co-sister, who undergoes some major crisis in her life. My dear (I can reveal neither you nor me here), I wish that you are out of your pains soon and find peace and happiness forever. Much love and hugs.