Changes

How I have changed over the last few years through my divorce!

I'm scared to advice people to get married. Marriage is a risk for me now. How do you know the hidden sides of a person before marriage. A person can act like a sheep prior and turn out to be a wolf leaching your blood and money.


But I'm healing.
Atleast I'm taking efforts to heal.
From the wounds of all the childhood trauma and an abusive marriage.

Why do I feel you so much these days?
Are you coming?

My beloved,
I'm waiting for you...

I'm healing

I have been listening to Dr.Ramani Durvasula on NPD.

I'm understanding the patterns that had happened to me in my childhood and in the marriage. 

To be with

   -  an abusive mother, 

   -  an abusive brother who could even try his sexual fantasies on me (and the mother who kept quite even when she knew this, supporting her son), 

   -  and the abusive spouse who bestowed me with domestic violence and blamed me for his violent and manipulative behaviors, 

is what my life looked like till a few months past.

But now, I'm understanding that none of them were MY MISTAKES. 

Mother and brother walked away from my life (nor even calls me) on their own and I'm getting the marital divorce. 

And hence, I have taken the measures for myself to be away from my abusers. And I'm trying to heal on my own.

It's just you that I craved for,
and your arms around me.

Nothing matters to me,
your past, profession, finances, but just your soul.

I desire for just you, and to tie my soul to yours,
in a bond eternal.

I don't chase you, because my past scares me,
since all I have learnt is unwantedness.

I'm scared of your rejection,
and keep my heart's desire locked within.


But I burn with my love for you,
wishing to be with you atleast in my birth next.