ഇടവിടാതിടാതെന്നോടു  എൻ മനം
ചോദിക്കയെപ്പോഴും, ഈ വേദനകളൊക്കെയും
വിടപറയും നേരമറിയുമോ നീ?

I tell me, these days : heal and move on dear!
                                   you don't deserve more trauma!!

                                   heal, heal, heal... and move on,
                                   help people, build a new you,
                                   welcome those in your vibration,                                  
                                   move away from trauma.

                                   don't wait them to change,
                                   neither expect him or her to come over,                                
                                   but, heal, heal, heal
                                   and keep moving on!

                              
                                  

my eyes weep, heart somber,
for your arms are settling farther!

Amit made my day today.

I met him outside my lab. He told: "Kya bat hei, aaj badiya dikh rahi ho."

                                                   I,   "Kyon?"

                                              Amit,  "You look great today." He smiles.

I as thinking, how shabby I dress up these days. PhD + Divorce + loneliness + realizations about narcissistic mother and abusive brother probably the factors. Or probably I'm growing old and losing interest in dressing. 

Anyways, Amit you made my day with your little comment!

I have stopped telling my story to people, after observing the avoidance that the people indirectly/directly try to impose when I start. Many are scared that I might ask for help, financial or non-financial, and start acting distant after giving philosophical advice. But, I'm different. I have never ever asked for a single penny from anyone. I and my daughter, survive with my meager PhD scholarship that I receive Obviously IITB's policy for residential accommodation for married research scholars has been a great help. Till this date, from the time I was born, I have never asked for a single penny from anyone. I have always been a giver, but have never been a receiver.  I will be employed soon, and I promise my little one of a much better life thereafter. She is keenly waiting for that : she wants me to take her to Taj Mahal after I get a job :).

My life as a scapegoat, directed by my mother and brother, has been extremely painful. 

All I learned was to vanish and numb out. Probably that's what made me a people pleaser and co-dependent.

Since the marriage was on the same platform as my childhood, initially when the ex-husband tried to prove me wrong for his cruelties, I grew more numb. 

Though I UNDERSTAND the patters of cruelties forced upon me, I'm still to REALISE it. I'm just learning my past now. I havn't yet developed sympathy for me even now let alone self love. The only support system that I have currently is the medical system. The doctors and physiologist and a handful of friends understands me. 

Today, I had to share my story to Dr. Banumathy, my physician. It was a regular monthly checkup for my RA. It was very painful for me to hear her say,

          "Stay strong and brave.
           What else can go wrong in one's life further.
           You have had enough and nothing can go worse than your past and present."


Her words were deep. Yes, it's true! What else can go wrong in my life now.

    - To have a narsistic abusive mother. How many times I had wished that having no mother would have been better.
    - To have an abusive brother, who could even sexually abuse me and who maintains the smear campain against me among all the near and known ones of my life.
   - Having been married to a narisicist who abused me physically, emotionally, and financially.
   - PhD struggle together with needing to take care of my daughter, single handedly.
   - The diseased mind and body; depression, scary dreams, Rhematoid Arthritis and the pains.

Yes, she said right! What else can go wrong in my life now!!