Extremities in depression

As more issues poped up post marriage, Annakkutty's mental state started to get worse. The anti-depressant dosages did no use to her, after a certain period. All Annakkutty felt, all day long, was the feeling of being deceived. She kept thinking of her father. The thought that such a forced abused marriage wouldn't have happened if her father was alive, kept tormenting her. She shared her pains with her friends. The friends who has extreme faith in God advised her to take it as God's plan and to lead a life of adjustment! Some said, the physical torture is never to be allowed. But how? No one had any answer then.

Mr.D. hated Annakkutty's friends. He kept saying that, Annakkutty's friends are making her life hell. Annakkutty, started to get confused. These friends who supports her, cannot be creating issues in her life! But Mr.D. very well, started to inject venomous thoughts in Annakkutty's tired brain, against them. Not only that, as far as Mr.D. was concerned Annakkutty's mother and brother were as well venomous. He encouraged her to speak bad against them. Annakkutty's confusions started to peek up. Sadness and pains mounted her mind. Slowly Annakkutty started to feel that, she has no one in this world. No one cares for her. Suicidal thoughts crept in!

A few thoughts of suicidal thoughts, came and went by, over a period, into Annakkutty's brain. One day, after an abusive treatment from Mr.D., while Annakkutty was sitting and crying in her bed, a thought came in. 

         "You have been thinking of suicide for n number of times. This is not joke. Realise that you don't want to live this life. End this life. Try your attempt and your pains would fade away forever if you succeed!" The thoughts came. They told the same again and again to her. Annakkutty realised. Yes, why keep thinking of ending of life. JUST END IT. 

Now, how do you commit suicide? To cut vein? Anna din't want that. She took up the cockroach balls, a lot of them and mixed in water. To drink this and end life was her idea. She mixed it in the night. While mixing, Mr.D. poped into the kitchen and asked her what she is doing. She didn't say anything. He saw the glass and the content. He blasted at her. She beated her like anything. He asked her what on earth she yearning for when he is giving her everything!

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Later Annakkutty, googled pretty well on various methods of committing suicide and understood that the best aprach is to consume cayanide. But getting cyanide is not easy. Btw, Google never cooperates, if you search for methods of committing suicide!

Annakkutt's doctor was forced to increase her anti-depressant dosage. Annakkutty reached, Vilarest-80 per day (combined with other medicines), as a result of attempts from her doctor to shoe away her suicidal thoughts. She slept with Nexito and woke up with Wakelert. But, Mr.D. is never bothered. He kept saying that Annakkutty's mother and her brother had given her depression!

Leap into Depression

A few years passed into the marriage. With all the difficulties that Annakkutty was facing, she started to feel more and more sad. That was the time when Mr.D. identified that Annakkutty has depression and needs treatment. What was his aim then? Don't know. Mr.D.'s parents intervened and kept telling Annakkutty that she needs to meet the doctor (for what and which disease?). 

Later, it was agreed to go for a marriage counseling at NIMHANS Bangalore. Infornt of counselor, Mr.D. kept arguing. Annakkutty kept crying. Back at home, he would use what the counselor talked again to blame and torture Annakkutty. Many new stories were cooked up infornt of the counselor. Annakkutty didn't know how to defend. But she felt as if cheated and is again being tortured by taking the name of counseling. 

During one of the counseling sessions, Mr.D. announced to the counselor that Annakkutty has depression. The counselor replied by saying that the person who gets victimised in marital issues often gets into depression. Anyhow, it was suggested that she meet the psychiatrist over there, Dr.Santhosh, for the consultation. Doctor confirmed the disease and prescribed sleeping tablets and Zozert at the initial stages.

The sleeping pills, suggested for a period of two weeks, put Annakkutty into deep sleep, in the night. She had deep sleeps, which she has never had in the near past (probably since the marriage was fixed). Zozert gave mood upliftment. Though Mr.D.'s behavior never changed (even after warnings from the psychiatrist and the marriage counselor), Annakkutty felt a bit relieved with the anti-depressants.