More things at Ayurmana

Maria's leaf collection

Maria has been given some holiday works from school. One is to collect leaves. Inside and outside of Ayurmana has been excellent for this work.  We went in search for leaves and it was an awesome experience. I have not observed these many types and colors of leaves. They were all there in nature; but I never observed.More than Maria, it was me who was excited to see all these varieties of leaves.

Food at Ayurmana

The food at Ayurmana has been a surprise for me. A variety of vegetable 'combinations' that I have never come across in my life. Have they been following the complete ayurvedic pathyam/diet? I'm not very sure. Though they have been avoiding tamarind, mustard, wheat, mango etc., there was a heavy usage of coconut (they even added fried coconut paste for many dishes). Nevertheless I enjoyed the food like anything.

Greenery and the rains

Greenery has been integral part at Ayurmana. Green all around and the  edavapathi rains gave my brain a very soothened feeling. I saw all those Dashapushapa there, which I have not seen since many years. The instant look at Mukkutty and Thumpa, made me remember good old Malabar days. 

And the best part. Bird, birds everywhere. Their chirping made us look for them. And you know, we saw two peacocks also on our visit. A lady and a gentlemen. The male was looking so handsome, and dint bother to move away when we went nearby. Woodpeckers, kingfishers, robins, sparrows, mynas and some other birds(whose names i don't know), came from time to time, to give apt company for my poor recovering brain. 

Rendezvous(?) with Artist Prashant Miranda

Hey! I met an artist at Ayurmana!! Artist Prashant Miranda!! I heard his firm voice during yoga sessions and thought that he is some top management person from the software industry. I got an instant shock when he said that he is an artist. See my brain wires are so damaged. At times it takes some time for it to come to reality. It took me sometime to place him from software industry to his artistic levels. He seemed to be in his private zone, might be the brain at work. It was my last day at Ayurmana that I got to know his name. I checked his work and found that he is Prashant Miranda. The brilliance in his works have been surprising me. So, during my stressful and hopeless PhD days, I keep checking his works from his blogs, Instagram and Facebook. The works, for me, seem to be very genuine, brilliant and, as many commented, soothing as well.

On an ayurvedic treatment for depression

The things have been going quite out of control for me. The continuous hopelessness feeling have been triggering suicidal thoughts now at faster paces. My poor brain could no longer can take all these. 

My brother calls me up a day. I could seldom talk; the words got chalked onto throat; tears uncontrollable. He asked me to go on to a secluded place for a few days away from Mr.D. Again indecisiveness struck me; what to do with Maria? I rejected his proposal of going out of Mumbai for the sake of Maria.But he kept calling and calling, talking for hours regarding the need to take this break and I decided that I would go for an Ayurvedic treatment for my depression, during her vacation during the month of May. The idea was to take Maria with me when I take the break. Mr.D. opposed. He said under no circumstance Maria would be left with me. Again after lots of interferences from brother Mr.D. agreed to come to meet my current psychiatrist. Doctor advised him the relevance Maria following me for the treatment. As a result, it was agreed that I go for the three weeks treatment, Maria be there with me for half the time and for the rest half he would come and pick her up. I dint have any choice. I agreed and left for Ayurmana, an ayurvedic treatment center. 

Treatment at Ayurmana

The place, Ayurmana, has been quite warming for me. All greenery around, it took me to a homely feeling. Maria simply enjoyed the place since there was plenty of space to run around. The people over there, doctors, therapists, and all other people, were extremely welcoming and made me feel at home with their gracious gestures. 

I had no hope about any improvement over my health. The hope also needs to come from the same organ of your body which needs treatment. The doctors there have suggested a six weeks of treatment to get somewhat better, and see I'm here only for three weeks, due to my PhD and Maria. I kept telling the doctors that I would never improve but I need a few weeks of break from Mr.D.. But they were not allowing to leave me. They said let's try out level best together how much improvement can be attained.

The daily treatment included morning yoga session, a massage, a shirodhara(see i need dhara for my head), and internal medications and daily counseling. Virechana and nasya where also performed. I was also asked to consult a psychiatrist associated with the center and a psychologist. In three weeks I met them for seven times. 

Abhyangam and Shirodhara

One first thing that the doctors at Ayurmana found was that I had sever swelling all over my body. This they ascribed to a Dengue attack that I got around 2.5 years ago and the heavy dosage of anti-depressants I was consuming on daily basis. They wanted me to reduce weight, my weight being 80kg by now. But the difficulty was that my anti-depressant dosage could give a huge damn to me if I go for weight reduction diet. So this idea was dropped off soon.

The first few days of abhyangam, gave me real trouble. Wherever they touched I had swelling and pain. My face, neck, shoulders, upper back, lower back, spinal cord, hips, stomach, hands, fingers, wrists, thighs, calves, ankles, toes, all joints and everywhere. Every bit of my body is swelled up and it ached. After around one week the pain started to reduce and potli massage was started. The effects were shown up. Swelling began to come down and by the time I left Ayurmana, there was a considerable change to my bodily aches.

The shirodhara sessions were also quite effective. The day after my my first shirodhara, I slept tight after a long number of years. I never knew that I could sleep like this. The mornings looked more energetic and brighter for me. Waking up at 5.30 or 6.00 in the morning is now again possible for me. I felt all at ease in the mornings. I had heavy nightmare attacks on two days, but the sleep was not disturbed much. 

Yoga Sessions

We had a kind yoga teacher at Ayurmana. She herself has a lot of health issues but her story has been an inspiration. Though I have been practicing suryanamaskar at home, the specific yoga postures and the breathing techniques were quite pain relieving. My only question was whether it is appropriate to do breathing techniques before mastering over the body(BKS Iyengar advises not to do this). But all together yoga has done a good job to my brain and body. 

Counseling

This situational depression can be relived if and only if I move out of this situations. The message from counseling is this. Now do I go for a divorce? Do I go for permanent separation without divorce, I don't know really. But they tell me that I can live alone and only then my recovery is possible. Yes I have to take the steps but when and how I don't know. If ever I had some strong hands to support me to move out of this venomous situation. I wish I had. I wish that my father was there near me now, to help me out.

When I left Ayurmana

My swelling and body aches have reduced to a great extend though not fully. I feel like standing for me though not fully convinced. The menstrual clots have reduced. My brain feels better wired and stable. I have started to talk to people. I can laugh at jokes. I think I have started to talk some sense as well :). Above all, I feel more connected to the universe now.

NB: When Me and Maria reached Amma's house, it was around 1.30am. The flight got delayed, resulting in our late arrival. In our tiredness and disgust someone was waiting for us there at Amma's garden. The Nishagandhi flowers that blossomed that night. Three of them, all pretty, in the moonlight. These night beauties are said to blossom only once in a while and that too in the night. Amma said, that it's a good omen, and something good is going to happen. Good? Eh???

Some updates

Removing some of my previous posts.

O, My Weirdly Wired Brain!

Have you ever had a badly wired brain?
Ever ever in your life, a brain so insane?
I have one, if you haven't seen one,
Lifeless and tangled neurons, buried in ton.

What harm does this brain cause?
Multitudes of harms, wrapped in gauze.
Devastations and grieves, a life no goal,
Tearing your mind, body, and soul, as a whole.

It makes you cry, you not knowing why,
It makes you frown, for days you in awry.
You get that sad face, smiles begone,
The body aches, for reasons unknown.

You stare at texts, fighting the liar,
Unable to read, contents simpler prior.
Equations forgotten, experiments paused,
You not knowing why, the results falsified.

It makes you confused, self pitying full day,
Negativity turmoils, worthlessness at peak.
Your speech go bad, ideas repeated,
Forgetting words, lines unfinished.

Emptiness paramounts, inches falling apart,
Dejected, heartbroken and in despair.
A demon within tells, "You Unwanted,
Why live this life", and you feel abandoned.

Have you ever had a badly wired brain?
I have one, a weirdly wired brain.
It makes me lie that I'm fine,
But I'm crying, alone in pain.

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NB: I'm at Ayurmana, on a treatment for my depression. Here an unexpected calmness is surrounding me here. Something is making me peace with myself, I feel. More about Ayurmana, once I'm back to Mumbai.