Lonelyness

As I await my separation, I feel extremely lonely and left out.

The feeling that I'm going to play the roles of mother and father for Maria, makes me cry. Looking at her my heart sobs. I control my tears.

I wish that I overcome these struggles fast and move on. For me and for Maria.

Updates

Things are going pretty bad on my life these days. Visiting advocates for the divorce procedures are giving new insights, which scares me. They informed me about the chances of Maria being abducted by Mr.D.. All his deed are being oriented towards harassing me, is what advocates say. 

I met two advocates by now. I wasn't very happy with the first one. So went for the second advocate. Though, the second person's office is too far and expensive, he seemed to be much better. 

After much fights and discussions, Mr.D. has agreed to move out of house (of course under certain conditions). This decision he told me yesterday. He says he would move out by Saturday. This was a shock for me, since now I have to arrange for alternate solutions for Maria's pick up and other activities. He seems not so so bothered about how I will handle the situation.

Though I have been anticipating this so eagerly, I feel left out and lonely now. As I analyse the situation I feel, I do not have any soft feelings for him but a feeling of living alone henceforth scares me. 

Yes. I have become alone. I have always been alone in my life. I still continue to be lone.

I sent you

Far away, aloof physically, daily I sent you
          - love
          - peace
          - health
          - respect
          - abundance
          - success and
          - complete surrender.

I turn, could you love me back? Passionately? Full of devotion?

I wish so.

The Thief

He enters your heart,
        steals your love, heart and smiles,
        rips apart your soul,
        makes your heart bleed,
        puts you in unfathomable pain.
And elopes with your heart & soul!

But, I pity you, The Thief,
       for my heart, no more, has any love left;
                   it was all poured once on you.
       for my soul can no more live;
                   it has bled to death.

And hence, I pity you, The Thief,
               for what you stolen have lost
                         the warmth, tenderness, passion and life,
                                   that you once yearned for.

The Unforgivable Deed

I will not forgive you,
        for making me fall in love with you
        for bringing back my smiles
        for wiping my tears
        for evoking my desire to live
        and then for tearing my heart apart.
For you took the abode lone, saying The Father called!

Love wins over vanity

I never felt that I will fall for someone - Vanity.

I was so blindly sure of this fact that,
             when I fell for you,
             I went blind - Love.

And then, angels proclaimed - Glory! Love won over vanity!!

Thoughts & Feelings

Among all the women and men I met,
           you are the most handsome,
           you walked and talked most gracious,
           you have the kindest eyes,
           and you have the brilliance I sought.
And I wish that you have the most lovable heart too.

What an idea Sirji!!

Mr.D.'s presence has been hindering my recovery from my illness. Yes, he himself has caused this state of mine. But the non-cooperation towards my efforts for recovery by him and more chaos and drama being deployed everyday are shutting down my chances of recovery. Since Ayurmana proved to be effective in many ways in my illness, one assumption is that his absence has greatly aided it. Hence, as a trial mechanism of recovery, Mr.D. has been requested to stay away from me atleast for a few months, so that I recover and finish my PhD.

Two of my uncles visited his parents to discuss/inform the same. Mr.D.'s parents reacted this way:

1. The moment my uncles said there is some marital issues between their son and Anna, Mr.D.'s mother started saying since eight years or so she knew that Anna is a bad lady, not valuing family. Anna is so bad that she has spoiled peace of mind of their entire family.
2. My uncles said that Anna has illness and needs time to recover. And hence it would be ideal if Mr.D. can stay away from Anna for a few months.
3. According to them, it's already 11 years of marriage, and hence there is no meaning of separation now. It would be good if my uncles can make me understand this precious piece of information.
4. Mr.D.'s mother started crying saying that her son's 11 years got wasted. So, this was a business for them!
5. They said Mr.D.'s father had undergone angiogram, six months back, my uncles should be careful in talking. 
6. The moment the word 'separation' came from uncle's mouth, they said: "Actually we have no complaints about her. We are extremely happy with her. We will never ask our son to move out. If she wants she can register complaint. But we need kid(Maria)." Uncles said: "This is not proper. Since Maria is a girl she needs to be with Anna only." The esteemed in-laws replied: "Come what may, we need kid."
7. Repeated explanations from my uncles regarding my recovery made them make a very interesting point. It goes like this.

             If Mr.D. moves out, he would have to stay alone and will have mental pressure. Hence it is also expected that Anna too stay alone(taking care of Maria and managing PhD and household) without any help(neither my Mom nor my brother should support me) and should undergo the same mental stress as Mr.D. undergoes. Only under this condition Mr.D. may move out. Makes sense right!

Btw, I'm bowed at their IQ level. Also it is to be noted that the above statement means that if my mother or brother helps me out, I can survive happily without Mr.D.. Yes, I meant HAPPILY! Then, what according to them is Mr.D.'s role in my life as a husband?

My reading habits

I have been an ardent fan of books from my childhood days. My father has inculcated this habit into my blood, both by making me read  and by his own reading habits. There were days when I have spent my late nights in reading, unable to stop my enthusiasm to know what goes next. But the surprise is that, I'm a lark person. These reading habits existed till the marriage. My reading went down, during the marital phase but in the past few years I'm regaining this passion of mine. 

But, looking back, I feel a lot my reading preferences have changed. In my childhood and teenage days, I have been a fan  of novels (both Malayalam and English), both fiction and non-fiction. I used to re-read certain books and such an activity used to bring some kind of nostalgia in me. A day with Jane Austin or Hardy or MT would ease my brain like anything and I used to love doing that. I clearly remember, once during my vacation, I kept reading Far Away From Madding Crowd till around 4.00am and Amma, who was sleeping in another room, kept scolding me that the lights are still on.

But, recently such classics do not seem to excite me. This I assume is probably because the struggles that I have gone through. Probably my brain tells me that the stories are just stories and life is much different. And so, my reading preferences are changing. The type of books that can keep me engaged and force me to finish reading are more 'serious' ones like Shashi Tharoor, English poetry, and the ones like Brain Rules from John Medina. These books are more of analytical type and fact based, and I enjoy how the authors have brilliantly gathered and coalesced information into their writing. When I read English poetry too, my feelings run around the brilliance in the author's play with the beautifully selected words.

I think I have been analysing my past struggles too much and thus am more into these analytical habits, even while reading. Anyways, I'm slowly getting back into the normalcies that existed in my life.

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I'm reading Brain Rules from John Medina these days. My pace of reading has come down with depression but I'm loving the activity. There are some very nice info available on Medina's book. Will write on them once I'm done with the book.

The book has been suggested and given to me by a friend of mine. Nothing seems a coincidence these days in my life. Especially meeting him and another friend of mine from my previous lab. The direct and indirect support that I receive during this toughest period from these two is unfathomable. More about them later...

Incident, Thoughts

Wife (to then husband) : Why did you get married?
Husband : Because I turned 28.

Husband (to then wife) : Why did you get married?
Wife : I had no choice.

At this moment

It's 9.30pm IST, here in Mumbai. I'm feeling extremely tired and depressed today. I really wish that I could fall onto someone's hands and cry out my heart for a few minutes. 

All was well in the morning. Maria had fever and her exams are going on. Her class teacher suggested that she can take exam on another day if she wants. The girl is not happy with the idea of taking exam alone on another day and hence was firm on giving her exam today itself. So, I took her for the exam and waited for the entire duration of exam, on the primary section's corridor, with John Medina's Brain Rules as my company. 

But somehow, there were more things that happened today. I don't even feel like writing them down. But I'm feeling all lone, lethargic and drawn out today. 

And how I wish that I'm able to cry my heart out and be out of this depression episode.

And, O heart, heart, heart!
O these bleeding drops of red!!
What on earth, would stop you from bleeding,
For therapeutics for such pains are yet to be known!!

Winning the game

That day, walking along the shores,
he asked me, if I have anyone in mind.
Feeling his secret glares, I wondered what to reply.

He again asked,
Are you considering any man for your future.

Here, I look at his brilliance, surprised.
My yes, would lead to the question Who.
Then I will have to take his name.
My no, would make him feel that I don't love him.

But I said. Yes. And I clasped his palm.

He smiled at me, for having won the game.
Then, he hugged me tight and said. You won my heart.

Thoughts & Feelings

I shed my pounds to make him happy.
Nay, he wasn't.

I talked sweet to make her happy.
Nay, she wasn't.

I smiled and laughed to make them happy.
Nay, they weren't.

I realised, my actions made none happy except one.
And that one is me.

During this trial period

I'm going through one of the most difficult stages of my life these days. Since Mr.D. has decided not to move out of my house (I pay rent, bills and take care of the household), it's getting more and more worse for me to keep me positive and self-supportive. The psychological torturesome drama that he plays, is forcing my neurons not to recover, how much ever medications I take. Even yoga and my jogging schedules are not helping me to get over the difficulties. My doctor is unable to reduce my medicine dosage, irrespective of the counseling and the strength that he and my friends offer.

One of the most difficult stage here is, not getting proper help from my own family. Family people are scared that if I get divorce before finishing my PhD, they might have to support me, physically and financially. They assume that once I'm employed then my divorce is going to be my issue and I will manage without any support from them. I have developed emotions such as indifference, indignation, dejection towards my brother and my mother. There was a time when I was shameful about the treatment that I received from my them. Now I feel how cruel it was for them to treat me that way. I do not pity me, but I'm surprised with the question as to why I should go through all of these. Neither my childhood nor my marital life has been abuse free. Looking back I just can't believe that I have gone through all these negativities, which were enough for me even to end my live. 

Today, morning I talked to my brother. He says I'm torturing mother by shouting at her and telling her that she has forced me into the marriage. He says that mother might develop heart attack if I talk to her like that. He kept 'shouting' that I should never talk to her that way and says that she never forced me into this marriage. And he asked a question in between,

      "Are you the type of person who always obeyed Amma."

I asked, "Can you tell me an instance where I haven't obeyed her?" 

For that he said,

     "I can't recollect any instance when you obeyed her."

Now, tell me how do I respond to these proofless barbed allegations.These are exactly the situations that make me go numb. Yes, I'm numb. Speechless. Shameful. All at these, irresponsible and shameless counter arguments.

Again, sitting here on my desk aloof, I wish that I be able to overcome my state alone. I wish that I reach a state wherein I leave them numb, with my own family, my happiness, success and abundance!

Thoughts & Feelings

You showed up when I needed someone the most.
You saw that I'm in pain.
And you left in haste because you were in search of happiness.