My first PhD paper presented

Today, I presented my first PhD paper. Feeling good that amidst all the difficulties I could do it. 

I'm staying with my cousin during these conference days. Her son has become my little friend in the past three days. He seems to be upset that Maria has not accompanied me to play with him. While sleeping, he is snatching away my sheets, as Maria too does, and is denying this fact in the morning. My sister is fast asleep in the night, while he is cuddling near me. My cousin tries to play a good host, since her sister is visiting her for the first time. And I love her for that. She has grown up (we all grew up, for that matter), from my little sister to a good mother, wife and a good host too. 

My cousin has also been looking at my slides and giving me suggestions on the color combo I should use in the previous day. I generally feel dump at the last moment and hence I took everything as it is for the conference. But as she was suggesting the color combo, I found a major mistake in my slides and while correcting it, the power went off. My online latex editor stopped working. And I'm extremely worried as to what to do now. Power came up at 10.30pm. I got up and made the changes. See this is the time by which I wish I'm fast asleep. But can't take risk. Mine is the second presentation the very next day. 

During the time the power went off, the little one went and sat on my spectacles and the frame broke. The rimless one was not very much visible to him. Cousin's husband took them for fixing and got it done. Since I always carry my duplicate specs with me (my myopic power forces me to do this), it wasn't of too much worry.

The city had an unexpected traffic today, the day of my talk. I started very early but still reached the venue just 5 minutes prior the first session. The committee welcomed me with the request to present first, since the first presenter is held up in the city traffic! And I proceeded. And it was done. 

I'm flying back to Mumbai.

Extremities in depression

As more issues poped up post marriage, Annakkutty's mental state started to get worse. The anti-depressant dosages did no use to her, after a certain period. All Annakkutty felt, all day long, was the feeling of being deceived. She kept thinking of her father. The thought that such a forced abused marriage wouldn't have happened if her father was alive, kept tormenting her. She shared her pains with her friends. The friends who has extreme faith in God advised her to take it as God's plan and to lead a life of adjustment! Some said, the physical torture is never to be allowed. But how? No one had any answer then.

Mr.D. hated Annakkutty's friends. He kept saying that, Annakkutty's friends are making her life hell. Annakkutty, started to get confused. These friends who supports her, cannot be creating issues in her life! But Mr.D. very well, started to inject venomous thoughts in Annakkutty's tired brain, against them. Not only that, as far as Mr.D. was concerned Annakkutty's mother and brother were as well venomous. He encouraged her to speak bad against them. Annakkutty's confusions started to peek up. Sadness and pains mounted her mind. Slowly Annakkutty started to feel that, she has no one in this world. No one cares for her. Suicidal thoughts crept in!

A few thoughts of suicidal thoughts, came and went by, over a period, into Annakkutty's brain. One day, after an abusive treatment from Mr.D., while Annakkutty was sitting and crying in her bed, a thought came in. 

         "You have been thinking of suicide for n number of times. This is not joke. Realise that you don't want to live this life. End this life. Try your attempt and your pains would fade away forever if you succeed!" The thoughts came. They told the same again and again to her. Annakkutty realised. Yes, why keep thinking of ending of life. JUST END IT. 

Now, how do you commit suicide? To cut vein? Anna din't want that. She took up the cockroach balls, a lot of them and mixed in water. To drink this and end life was her idea. She mixed it in the night. While mixing, Mr.D. poped into the kitchen and asked her what she is doing. She didn't say anything. He saw the glass and the content. He blasted at her. She beated her like anything. He asked her what on earth she yearning for when he is giving her everything!

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Later Annakkutty, googled pretty well on various methods of committing suicide and understood that the best aprach is to consume cayanide. But getting cyanide is not easy. Btw, Google never cooperates, if you search for methods of committing suicide!

Annakkutt's doctor was forced to increase her anti-depressant dosage. Annakkutty reached, Vilarest-80 per day (combined with other medicines), as a result of attempts from her doctor to shoe away her suicidal thoughts. She slept with Nexito and woke up with Wakelert. But, Mr.D. is never bothered. He kept saying that Annakkutty's mother and her brother had given her depression!

Leap into Depression

A few years passed into the marriage. With all the difficulties that Annakkutty was facing, she started to feel more and more sad. That was the time when Mr.D. identified that Annakkutty has depression and needs treatment. What was his aim then? Don't know. Mr.D.'s parents intervened and kept telling Annakkutty that she needs to meet the doctor (for what and which disease?). 

Later, it was agreed to go for a marriage counseling at NIMHANS Bangalore. Infornt of counselor, Mr.D. kept arguing. Annakkutty kept crying. Back at home, he would use what the counselor talked again to blame and torture Annakkutty. Many new stories were cooked up infornt of the counselor. Annakkutty didn't know how to defend. But she felt as if cheated and is again being tortured by taking the name of counseling. 

During one of the counseling sessions, Mr.D. announced to the counselor that Annakkutty has depression. The counselor replied by saying that the person who gets victimised in marital issues often gets into depression. Anyhow, it was suggested that she meet the psychiatrist over there, Dr.Santhosh, for the consultation. Doctor confirmed the disease and prescribed sleeping tablets and Zozert at the initial stages.

The sleeping pills, suggested for a period of two weeks, put Annakkutty into deep sleep, in the night. She had deep sleeps, which she has never had in the near past (probably since the marriage was fixed). Zozert gave mood upliftment. Though Mr.D.'s behavior never changed (even after warnings from the psychiatrist and the marriage counselor), Annakkutty felt a bit relieved with the anti-depressants. 

The Vicious Cycle of Abuse

People wonder why Anna haven't asked for her gold back? Why Anna even gave it to them? 

The first question: Why Anna gave her gold to them? See when Anna got married, she was very very young. Just some 20+. She was already in such a confused and depressed mood as to what was happening till then, she didn't know how to respond when Mr.D. asked for the gold saying that it will be kept safe in the almirah that was there in his parent's room. And she also didn't recognize that this was part of a well planned drama by the family. And hence everything went onto their custody.

Now to answer the first question. Didn't she ask for the ornaments back when she realized the trap. Yes she did. What happened then? 

Anna asked Mr.D. for the gold back. Talking directly to his parents was to be avoided. They made sure that. First few times when Anna asked Mr.D. for the ornaments, he kept acting as if he doesn't hear that she is asking him something. After a few more attempts from her side, he started to promise that he would get the gold back to her. But his promises are always unmet. He kept promising but never took any action. Now comes the trickiest part. Anna again kept asking him. And he went onto a different mode. He would start to cry (literally weep, with no tears), in front of Anna saying that she is giving him too much of pressure and he is unable to handle it. 

This trick of crying, Mr.D., attempted multiple times. Each time he did that Anna felt that this is a drama. What the hell. You wicked fellow, how on earth you believed that Annakkutty will fall for your greedy spineless drama well directed by your father. Anna hates drama. Speak the truth, even if you lose your life Mr.. Show the spine.

At times, when asked for what is being happening, from his side or his parents' side, he would just shoot up some really hurtful words, hearing which Anna would just tear apart (one such thing is being called fatherless), or he would just beat Anna up. Or he would start throwing things here and there, break objects (he has broken many things at home, including Anna's mobile phone).

There are more to the drama. Many a times, he would say sorry and would promise that such things will not be repeated in the future. Anna would believe him then. But the cycle would again repeat. He would again torture. And would keep blaming Anna that she alone is the reason why he is behaving like this. He also tells that he has never been like this in his life, but Anna's behavior is what is making him do all these things. And Anna gets confused, guilty, and disrespected. He makes her feel guilty. She burns within. She doesn't know what is right. She can't feel what is going on in her life. The verbal and psychological abuses have started to affect her brain.

Marriage Blissess!!

The first day at Mr.D.'s house was eventful. Annakkutty's gold (hey, that's a huge amount in south Indian families), was taken over by father-in-law. Mr.D. took the full responsibility of safely handing over Annakkutty's gold to his father. As and when Annakkutty wanted it, she just need to ask (beg) for it. They will give it to her provided that it is handed back to them. But, there is also a catch, on what Annakkutty will wear. They decided which ornaments Annakkutty should wear from the collection that they have taken away from her. Annakkutty got scared. See, for her this gold has been earned by her widow mother and younger brother. It should be with Annakkutty right? Anyways leave it, it's the marital life that matters and not gold. Annakkutty needs to keep quite. Advises poured in.

After a week of bliss at in-laws house, Annakkutty, Mr.D., and his parents came to Bangalore. Another week of stay, Mr.D.'s parents left to their hometown. Annakkutty's real bliss starts now. The first day after parents left, Mr.D. asked Annakkutty for her salary. The reason: Mr.D.'s father has lots of debts and money is needed to pay off it. Why the hell is Annakkutty to pay off that arrogant old man's debts. Did Annakkutty ever know that it was just the beginning of monetary affairs.

The Physical Abuse
Annakkutty started to question the things that she felt unjustified. Why my money is taken? Where is Amma's money spent? Why my gold is not with me? Why are you asking for more money from Amma? The things started to heat up. Arguments arose. Mr.D. always won. Annakkutty felt deceived and dejected.

It was in the third or fourth week after marriage, Mr.D. beat Annakkutty for the first time! For some nonsense reason. Never did Annakkutty realise then that all Mr.D. would is to make up some reasons to beat her up. It took more than five years for Annakkutty to realise this bitter truth.

Mr.D.'s hand raised again and again on Annakkutty. He kept telling her that it was her fault that makes him beat her. Annakkutty was not knowing whether it is actually her fault or Mr.D.'s fault. All Annakkutty knew was that she is beaten up. Annakkutty was slowly falling into depression.

On another fine day morning, over a heated discussion (regarding why Mr.D. is not bearing any of household expenses), made Mr.D. to throw food on her. He was having Appam and Kadalacurry that Annakkutty prepared. A few minutes into heated arguments, Mr.D. just threw the left over food from his plate onto Annakkutty. Annakkutty is wet with the food. She felt numb, a feeling she has developed over the years. She didn't know what to do. After sometime, she came into reality. Yes, someone has thrown food on her. She started crying. She felt like a bitch. She felt like a street dog. Maria came in and saw Annakkutty crying. She told,
     "Ayyo Amma, there is Appam and curry over your body and head." Maria started to wipe them off with her tender hands. Annakkutty called her mother. Mother cried. Annakkutty cried. But nothing changed. But soon, Annakkutty's anti-depressant dosage had to be increased, the doctor trying to keep her life alive on earth.

Emotional Abuse
One major concern Annakkutty raised was that her mother is not welcomed at her Bangalore house. Though at times Mr.D. acted as if he is ok to have her at home, he kept frowning about Annakkutty's mother. First time when Annakkutty's mother visited Bangalore to see her daughter and son-in-law, Annakkutty told Mr.D. that mother needs to be picked up from the station. Mr.D. asked why she can't come on her own. Hearing this a knife went inside Annakkutty's heart. Her mother, a widow, who is coming all alone, can't be picked from the station. Annakkutty questioned Mr.D.'s attitude. She said, that her father has expired and so she cant leave her mother to feel any difficulty. That's it.

     "Never ever try to emotionally blackmail me using the story that your father has died. I hate listening that. What should I do if your father has died." The cruel words daggered into Annakkutty's heart. The heart is broken. The pain surmounts. Annakkutty reaches another world, where only pains and aches exist.

Cruelties mounted up as the days and years passed by. Mr.D. said once that he never wanted to marry a fatherless girl in his life. He also told that he has told his mother many a times that he doesn't want to marry a girl who has lost her parents.

Fatherless, fatherless, fatherless. He kept saying. Annakkutty fell into the valley of orphans. Yes. She is, by all means, an orphan. An unwanted thing on the earth since her father is no more on this earth. Yes she is unwanted. An unwanted dust on this earth. Annakkutty slowly started to think of ending her life. After all, why live this life when no one wants you. You are just a filthy dust. Move out of this earthly life Annakkutty, move out.

There were other verbal abuses too. Mr.D. told Annakkutty that she looks like a kilavi (an aged women), after delivery. He told that Annakkutty has spoiled his life like a hell. He told that marrying Annakkutty was the worst thing ever happened in his life. He told Annakkutty that any women on earth wold be a better mother for Maria other than Annakkutty.

Annakkutty broke. Broke into pieces. She pleaded Mr.D. not to speak this way. She said that she feels like ending her life. She begged him to take care of his words at least. But nothing worked. Words kept on breaking Annakkutty. Breaking into tiny pieces, all aching and shaking.

The Vicious Cycle
Mr.D. was very smart though. Many a times, he did two things in a sequence. He abused her and at times asked pardon. This confused Annakkutty. This made her not to understand whether she is at mistake. Mr.D. also played false promise tricks on her. Poor Annakkutty kept believing him. But when she started to realise the vicious abuse cycle going on, she was already into an incorrigible dosage of anti-depressants.

Annakkutty got married: Marriage, O Really?!

In the last week of a March, Mr.D., his parents, uncle and his wife, came to Annakkutty's house for Pennukaanal aka 'to see the girl'. You see, this is a big comedy tradition in Indian marriage setting. A boy, considered to be of a marriageable age (not necessarily to have marriage maturity), will come to some girls house. The girl is made to serve tea to this family. These guests, performs 'staring and measuring the girl' by all means. The girl, so uncomfortable in these stares, feels like running away from there into some forest. The boy's family likes her. See here, this boy who apparently has lost his spinal cord somewhere in his parental house plays much a less role in selecting his future life partner. The family measures the girl's parental financial potential and says that they have liked the girl. Nevertheless they would say "We have liked the girl, we have no demands from our side".

Mr.D.'s father was a bit different here.

       "We have no demands but you have to give whatever is to be given", his raised voice came. 

Annakkutty froze. Am I getting married? To this guy, who has been all a while sitting near to his uncle in a corner and never bothered even to look at her? And see his shameless father talking about the monetary expectations as a reward against being given birth to a spinal cordless fellow.

Annakkutty's Kunjanty, said. "Yes, yes. We will do everything."

      "I want the engagement by next week. The marriage to be by June 1st week, latest. See you people need to cooperate. My sister, who is in Canada has to come. My brothers need to be informed. I will have to do things properly. So you have to plan accordingly." Mr.D.'s father kept chanting all the "I" and "Me" sentences. Annakkutty thought, why is this old fellow is speaking only about his part as if we are not involved in the marriage. Suddenly an idea struck her.

      "My brother has not seen Mr.D.. So how can this be fixed and how can engagement happen next week." Annakkutty said, believing that her brother would say no to his guy for sure, once he meets him. The entire set of guests looked at her as if they are witnessing a crime in front. Their eyes rolled, and they looked at each other.

      "Oh, do not worry on what she says", Annakkutty's Kunjanty's voice broke the whole awkwardness. "See the brother and sister have been together till now, involving in all their life. That's why she is saying so. She has liked you all."

I have liked them all?? How come? Whereas I haven't liked anyone from this arrogant mass, let apart this spineless fellow. See their arrogance. But more worry was that, now, no one cares towards Annakkutty. All at home have closed their  eyes and ears toward her, as usual. Annakkutty surprisingly looked at her mother and Kunjanty. They were busy chatting with their future relatives. After all it is the duty for the entire family to get a fatherless girl married off at the earliest. Tears dint flow but all Annakkutty wanted was a forest to hide.

The Engagement Day

Yea, so Annakkutty is getting engaged. She wore the saree selected by her mother and aunts. She hates that color. She wears the ornaments selected by her aunts. She hates them. A beautician does her make up. She hated the way she looked. A numbness sphered Annakkutty all a while. No one cares. No one listens. The only hope is for the spineless fellow who would marry Annakkutty to show some spine towards her in the future.

The engagement happened. While putting the ring, Mr.D.'s hands were shivering. Annakkutty hated it. Annakkutty's hands never shivered. Her numbness didn't let her feel anything then. For the entire duration of engagement when Annakkutty and Mr.D. were together, only one sentence came out of Mr.D..

       "When are you going back to Bangalore", Mr.D. asked. A sound that she was hearing for the first time in her life. So he has proved to have a tongue of his own!

Courtship Period
In Bangalore, it was five minutes walkable distance from the hostel where Annakkutty stayed to the office where Mr.D. worked. But Mr.D. probably felt that there are miles between these places. He never bothered to turn up to meet Annakkutty even once. Annakkutty's hostel mates raised the concern whether Mr.D. was actually willing to marry Annakkutty. Whom to ask. Annakkutty called her mother and kept telling how she felt. But the wise mother, had everything well planned. She said, now that engagement is over, Annakkutty should keep quite.

Annakkutty's pillows got soaked with her tears. She begged the God to interfere. God shut His eyes. None saw Annakkutty crying. Even her roommate was not aware of what was going inside Annakkutty. Where is the solace? Where to turn for help? Annakkutty wanted to run into the forest as fast as possible.

When God hesitated to interfere, Annakkutty turned to her father, with all her energy. Father heard her! The next day Mr.D. texted Annakkutty to come to a nearby mall at 6.30pm. Annakkutty went there on time. But, no one turned up till 7.30. Annakkutty tried calling Mr.D. back. Calls were not answered.

The above incident repeated two more times, though the third time Mr.D. picked up the call (after multiple calls) to say that he is super busy in work.

After marriage Annakkutty took courage to ask Mr.D. why he (mis)behaved this way. Mr.D. casually told that he never liked the idea of roaming around with the girl just after engagement. Make sense right?!

Nevertheless marriage preparations went fine. Annakkutty's father in law somehow found lot of problems in Annakkutty even before marriage and kept reminding Annakkutty's mother about all these things. And Alas! Mother, indeed tried correcting Annakkutty to her level best!!

Marriage - Oh Really?

D day arrived. Again Annakkutty is dressed up as her aunts have planned. Aunts are excited how their sister is getting relieved of this burden. Annakkutty's grandmother kept reciting her rosaries. Where is Annakkutty on the fine morning of the day on which her marriage is to take place? Having no forest in the proximity, Annakkutty went to the bathroom and kept crying. No one even bothered where Annakkutty is. When the time arrived they asked Annakkutty to start to church.

In church Annakkutty just obeyed what everyone told her. She dint know what to do. The Mass is over. The priests blessed the couple. The numbness, numbness, numbness! Tears, tears, tears!! You know how much of a hug Annakkutty wants when she is writing this!!!

Into the woods

To vanish into the woods is my dream,
From these pains, into the regime.
A life so pristine, warmth so true,
A suit for me to hold my life anew.

To run away is my motto now,
To accept this, is what I'm scared;
Is this cowardice, I'm distressed,
To show your weakness is a crime indeed.

But why bother, O my heart in pain,
I keep asking this, though in vein.
But why bother, O my heavy heart,
Your distress is all that puts you apart.

Betrayed and expelled are feelings strong,
But the lessons come along are lifelong.
People call it fate; God has plans, some say,
But my heavy heart is now at supreme dismay.

An exult is not all I'm waiting for,
The craving is just for your cozy lap.
To have some sleep undisturbed,
And your arms around me, when I'm awake.

Depressed and distressed, I wait,
To be there with you, my woods dearest.

A pain within

Though I haven't come to the details of my todays, I need to, I need to, tell you these. And here I go.

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My heart is in deep pain,
Unfathomable for my weired brain.
It pains and pains and pains,
The cause unknown, from deep within.

I'm scared that I would die of this pain,
Soon to reach my dear father in heaven.
My father left me, his giveaways are these pains,
And my prayers to have him back are always in vain.


I wish to hide in a far away forest,
Hiding from this world, not so modest.
I then would wait for those arms supreme,
To wipe these burns from time to time.


But Maria dear, you are my worry,
Where will you be, if go onto my own pry.
All I have now is you, my sweetheart,
And for you I suppress my aching heart.
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