I'm hurt, deeply hurt.
By your coldness, which I read as harshness.
I wish to leave this path, but I'm drawn back with no wish of mine.
It's hard on me, but for you probably it's just a game with an abandoned.
The pain is real. The reality hits. It daggers the heart.
But, with all these aches that surmounts me, I wish to be stabilized within me.

I now know that forgoing you is never with me. If not destined, I wish to part with these feelings. I'm suffering alone, when you are in your merry.

My Morther - II, The fatherless girl who went through abuses

As I wrote here, my mother never smiled. Now, at this stage of my life, wherein I go through my lonely marital divorce, I'm not just taking divorce from an abusive partner but also from my own mother and brother. As I heal now, I feel that my healing is multi-dimensional. 

I realise now that my mother is an extremely unhappy person. It is not only that she herself is unhappy, but also she is unable to handle other's happiness. It never mattered to her whether the happiness that she observed with is from her own mother, sisters, brother, neighbors, colleagues or her daughter. The problem is that her unhappiness do not just reside in her. She would always use the opportunity to 'punish' the people whom she found to be happy. 

From the time I was born, she hasn't touched me even once I feel. Atleast from the time I can recollect, she neither touched me nor talked to me let even  smiled at me. She was completely negligent towards all my emotional, physical, and psychological needs. I always doubted (even wished multiple times) if she could be my real mother. Since the society never told me that she is not my mother, I had a hard time accepting the reality. 

She owns a powerful harsh language, that can dagger your heart. She complains that I'm dark-skinned (karuthathu she says in Malayalam). Also, she kept saying "You do not like me", or "You are like your grand mother (her own mother, about whom she would talk filthy)", or "You are jealous of your brother" or "You don't like me being happy" or "You are a liar". When such words fell onto my ears, the ideas which neither I could decipher nor I have never thought even in my dreams, I began growing numb. I always felt guilty for reasons which I do not know. I felt ugly and believed that no one would like me. I also had a strong belief that no one would marry me since I look ugly.

Now when I look back at the past life of mine, of around 35 years, I'm surprised what I have been going through. I feel liberated and at peace now, though I'm going through a tough divorce, with not much help from around me.

This Divorce of mine

This divorce of mine is so very difficult to manage.

It is difficult not because I'm getting 'A Divorced' status. It is difficult because I have to manage all my life alone through this. I have to deal with my PhD pressure, job search, managing Maria and take care of all household works. The physical stress that I'm going through is a lots. My Rheumatoid Arthritis adds onto my pains.

Managing Maria's studies, her extra-curricular activities, her health have been difficult. But, not unmanageable as of now. I fight between the school auto-wallah who wants advance salaries every now and then, and the house maids who opts not to inform their leaves. I either have to take Maria to my lab or sit at home, to take care of her. She is present with me in many of my meetings with my advisor. It's a struggle for her as well. But, my honey has been extremely accommodating.

I meet people, who after listening to my story, are hesitant to interact with me. Many are scared that I would ask for help, especially monetary. A friend of mine, who kept saying that I'm there for you (and kept loading my head with her problems with her mother-in-law) advised me not to spend any money from now own, not even in clothing, shut her doors against me for my request to keep Maria with her kid (at her house), for half a day, when I had to go to court. She says external kids make the house dirty and she will have to spent money in cleaning it up. The fact that, in Mumbai, a days extra cleaning work would take less than Rs.50/- surprises me, when she says so.

My mother has completely stopped calling me. She is scared of any help that I may need from her. I wish that I was not born her daughter. My brother stopped any interactions with me, scared of financial help that I may seek. Once when my sister in law told that they have plans to come to Mumbai, I asked them if they can come during a particular week, since I had court hearing scheduled then, they cancelled their trip (might be they came, without informing me. After all, I was only a free lodging facility for them).

But it's not all around me are like this. There are occasional genuine help from many around. Two of my lab mates have been extremely supportive. There has been unexpected helps, popping up, at times of extreme need.

But, amidst all these, my depression is coming down. Another anti-depressant have been removed for me and my psychiatrist says I will move out of depression in a few months. The wrong people's (Mr.D., mother and brother) absence is aiding my recovery from depression. I wish that I have taken this step years back.

I wonder, what is to feel that one has a mother or father...

How do people feel, what emotions do people hold when they are blessed with parents. 

I wonder, whether what I feel for Maria is love. I do not have an example in my life to cross-check this against. 

How does it feel to have a mother? How do the mothers show their love to their children? 

When people share their relationship with their mothers I wonder whether they are saying the truth!

Now, how does it feel to have a father? Do you feel protected and loved? 

And last, how does it feel being loved by another human being? How does it feel being loved by father, mother, sibling or spouse? Do love exist in real?

Whom to ask these questions?