Amit made my day today.

I met him outside my lab. He told: "Kya bat hei, aaj badiya dikh rahi ho."

                                                   I,   "Kyon?"

                                              Amit,  "You look great today." He smiles.

I as thinking, how shabby I dress up these days. PhD + Divorce + loneliness + realizations about narcissistic mother and abusive brother probably the factors. Or probably I'm growing old and losing interest in dressing. 

Anyways, Amit you made my day with your little comment!

I have stopped telling my story to people, after observing the avoidance that the people indirectly/directly try to impose when I start. Many are scared that I might ask for help, financial or non-financial, and start acting distant after giving philosophical advice. But, I'm different. I have never ever asked for a single penny from anyone. I and my daughter, survive with my meager PhD scholarship that I receive Obviously IITB's policy for residential accommodation for married research scholars has been a great help. Till this date, from the time I was born, I have never asked for a single penny from anyone. I have always been a giver, but have never been a receiver.  I will be employed soon, and I promise my little one of a much better life thereafter. She is keenly waiting for that : she wants me to take her to Taj Mahal after I get a job :).

My life as a scapegoat, directed by my mother and brother, has been extremely painful. 

All I learned was to vanish and numb out. Probably that's what made me a people pleaser and co-dependent.

Since the marriage was on the same platform as my childhood, initially when the ex-husband tried to prove me wrong for his cruelties, I grew more numb. 

Though I UNDERSTAND the patters of cruelties forced upon me, I'm still to REALISE it. I'm just learning my past now. I havn't yet developed sympathy for me even now let alone self love. The only support system that I have currently is the medical system. The doctors and physiologist and a handful of friends understands me.