Amit made my day today.

I met him outside my lab. He told: "Kya bat hei, aaj badiya dikh rahi ho."

                                                   I,   "Kyon?"

                                              Amit,  "You look great today." He smiles.

I as thinking, how shabby I dress up these days. PhD + Divorce + loneliness + realizations about narcissistic mother and abusive brother probably the factors. Or probably I'm growing old and losing interest in dressing. 

Anyways, Amit you made my day with your little comment!

I have stopped telling my story to people, after observing the avoidance that the people indirectly/directly try to impose when I start. Many are scared that I might ask for help, financial or non-financial, and start acting distant after giving philosophical advice. But, I'm different. I have never ever asked for a single penny from anyone. I and my daughter, survive with my meager PhD scholarship that I receive Obviously IITB's policy for residential accommodation for married research scholars has been a great help. Till this date, from the time I was born, I have never asked for a single penny from anyone. I have always been a giver, but have never been a receiver.  I will be employed soon, and I promise my little one of a much better life thereafter. She is keenly waiting for that : she wants me to take her to Taj Mahal after I get a job :).

My life as a scapegoat, directed by my mother and brother, has been extremely painful. 

All I learned was to vanish and numb out. Probably that's what made me a people pleaser and co-dependent.

Since the marriage was on the same platform as my childhood, initially when the ex-husband tried to prove me wrong for his cruelties, I grew more numb. 

Though I UNDERSTAND the patters of cruelties forced upon me, I'm still to REALISE it. I'm just learning my past now. I havn't yet developed sympathy for me even now let alone self love. The only support system that I have currently is the medical system. The doctors and physiologist and a handful of friends understands me. 

Today, I had to share my story to Dr. Banumathy, my physician. It was a regular monthly checkup for my RA. It was very painful for me to hear her say,

          "Stay strong and brave.
           What else can go wrong in one's life further.
           You have had enough and nothing can go worse than your past and present."


Her words were deep. Yes, it's true! What else can go wrong in my life now.

    - To have a narsistic abusive mother. How many times I had wished that having no mother would have been better.
    - To have an abusive brother, who could even sexually abuse me and who maintains the smear campain against me among all the near and known ones of my life.
   - Having been married to a narisicist who abused me physically, emotionally, and financially.
   - PhD struggle together with needing to take care of my daughter, single handedly.
   - The diseased mind and body; depression, scary dreams, Rhematoid Arthritis and the pains.

Yes, she said right! What else can go wrong in my life now!!

Changes

How I have changed over the last few years through my divorce!

I'm scared to advice people to get married. Marriage is a risk for me now. How do you know the hidden sides of a person before marriage. A person can act like a sheep prior and turn out to be a wolf leaching your blood and money.


But I'm healing.
Atleast I'm taking efforts to heal.
From the wounds of all the childhood trauma and an abusive marriage.

Why do I feel you so much these days?
Are you coming?

My beloved,
I'm waiting for you...

I'm healing

I have been listening to Dr.Ramani Durvasula on NPD.

I'm understanding the patterns that had happened to me in my childhood and in the marriage. 

To be with

   -  an abusive mother, 

   -  an abusive brother who could even try his sexual fantasies on me (and the mother who kept quite even when she knew this, supporting her son), 

   -  and the abusive spouse who bestowed me with domestic violence and blamed me for his violent and manipulative behaviors, 

is what my life looked like till a few months past.

But now, I'm understanding that none of them were MY MISTAKES. 

Mother and brother walked away from my life (nor even calls me) on their own and I'm getting the marital divorce. 

And hence, I have taken the measures for myself to be away from my abusers. And I'm trying to heal on my own.

It's just you that I craved for,
and your arms around me.

Nothing matters to me,
your past, profession, finances, but just your soul.

I desire for just you, and to tie my soul to yours,
in a bond eternal.

I don't chase you, because my past scares me,
since all I have learnt is unwantedness.

I'm scared of your rejection,
and keep my heart's desire locked within.


But I burn with my love for you,
wishing to be with you atleast in my birth next.

I'm hurt, deeply hurt.
By your coldness, which I read as harshness.
I wish to leave this path, but I'm drawn back with no wish of mine.
It's hard on me, but for you probably it's just a game with an abandoned.
The pain is real. The reality hits. It daggers the heart.
But, with all these aches that surmounts me, I wish to be stabilized within me.

I now know that forgoing you is never with me. If not destined, I wish to part with these feelings. I'm suffering alone, when you are in your merry.

My Morther - II, The fatherless girl who went through abuses

As I wrote here, my mother never smiled. Now, at this stage of my life, wherein I go through my lonely marital divorce, I'm not just taking divorce from an abusive partner but also from my own mother and brother. As I heal now, I feel that my healing is multi-dimensional. 

I realise now that my mother is an extremely unhappy person. It is not only that she herself is unhappy, but also she is unable to handle other's happiness. It never mattered to her whether the happiness that she observed with is from her own mother, sisters, brother, neighbors, colleagues or her daughter. The problem is that her unhappiness do not just reside in her. She would always use the opportunity to 'punish' the people whom she found to be happy. 

From the time I was born, she hasn't touched me even once I feel. Atleast from the time I can recollect, she neither touched me nor talked to me let even  smiled at me. She was completely negligent towards all my emotional, physical, and psychological needs. I always doubted (even wished multiple times) if she could be my real mother. Since the society never told me that she is not my mother, I had a hard time accepting the reality. 

She owns a powerful harsh language, that can dagger your heart. She complains that I'm dark-skinned (karuthathu she says in Malayalam). Also, she kept saying "You do not like me", or "You are like your grand mother (her own mother, about whom she would talk filthy)", or "You are jealous of your brother" or "You don't like me being happy" or "You are a liar". When such words fell onto my ears, the ideas which neither I could decipher nor I have never thought even in my dreams, I began growing numb. I always felt guilty for reasons which I do not know. I felt ugly and believed that no one would like me. I also had a strong belief that no one would marry me since I look ugly.

Now when I look back at the past life of mine, of around 35 years, I'm surprised what I have been going through. I feel liberated and at peace now, though I'm going through a tough divorce, with not much help from around me.

This Divorce of mine

This divorce of mine is so very difficult to manage.

It is difficult not because I'm getting 'A Divorced' status. It is difficult because I have to manage all my life alone through this. I have to deal with my PhD pressure, job search, managing Maria and take care of all household works. The physical stress that I'm going through is a lots. My Rheumatoid Arthritis adds onto my pains.

Managing Maria's studies, her extra-curricular activities, her health have been difficult. But, not unmanageable as of now. I fight between the school auto-wallah who wants advance salaries every now and then, and the house maids who opts not to inform their leaves. I either have to take Maria to my lab or sit at home, to take care of her. She is present with me in many of my meetings with my advisor. It's a struggle for her as well. But, my honey has been extremely accommodating.

I meet people, who after listening to my story, are hesitant to interact with me. Many are scared that I would ask for help, especially monetary. A friend of mine, who kept saying that I'm there for you (and kept loading my head with her problems with her mother-in-law) advised me not to spend any money from now own, not even in clothing, shut her doors against me for my request to keep Maria with her kid (at her house), for half a day, when I had to go to court. She says external kids make the house dirty and she will have to spent money in cleaning it up. The fact that, in Mumbai, a days extra cleaning work would take less than Rs.50/- surprises me, when she says so.

My mother has completely stopped calling me. She is scared of any help that I may need from her. I wish that I was not born her daughter. My brother stopped any interactions with me, scared of financial help that I may seek. Once when my sister in law told that they have plans to come to Mumbai, I asked them if they can come during a particular week, since I had court hearing scheduled then, they cancelled their trip (might be they came, without informing me. After all, I was only a free lodging facility for them).

But it's not all around me are like this. There are occasional genuine help from many around. Two of my lab mates have been extremely supportive. There has been unexpected helps, popping up, at times of extreme need.

But, amidst all these, my depression is coming down. Another anti-depressant have been removed for me and my psychiatrist says I will move out of depression in a few months. The wrong people's (Mr.D., mother and brother) absence is aiding my recovery from depression. I wish that I have taken this step years back.

I wonder, what is to feel that one has a mother or father...

How do people feel, what emotions do people hold when they are blessed with parents. 

I wonder, whether what I feel for Maria is love. I do not have an example in my life to cross-check this against. 

How does it feel to have a mother? How do the mothers show their love to their children? 

When people share their relationship with their mothers I wonder whether they are saying the truth!

Now, how does it feel to have a father? Do you feel protected and loved? 

And last, how does it feel being loved by another human being? How does it feel being loved by father, mother, sibling or spouse? Do love exist in real?

Whom to ask these questions?

these feeling are so intense.
so intensly hard.
am i the only one to feel so.


the intense emotions!
am i to feel these till death?
and label them as fate?

because it is so intense and immense.

the flame dies

this flame dies. the spirit weakens.
armoring self with ingrown numbness.
no one to be blamed; frozen am i now.
rekindling self feels hard, so is to love.

i find no message from far, to keep me up.
and those caresses were only in my dreams.
the passion, the fondness and yearning begone.
thus this flame grows frail and dies.

The Good Bad Rain

It started to rain in Mumbai yesterday. The non-rainy times are quite hot now. And it's so soothing to see water everywhere. The trees are drenched and I look at them, as if they are new beings on my way. It's great to walk in the campus looking at these beautifully decorated trees and plants. All look calm, after the much awaited rain has come. 

But, sad part is that, my health might start to get affected soon, because of the coldness that is about to accompany, in a few days. The roads would turn yucky, the cow dung floating here and there and the earthworms would wriggling around the walk ways. The clothes don't dry, the laundry baskets remain full all the time, more ironing required. 

Nevertheless, for me, rain is lovely. 

Rain brings forth nostalgia - of the loving memoirs of my unloved childhood, of my school, of my days of loving someone. The memories of loves and pains. The memories of scars and beauties. Probably yet another season of healing.

After talking to Jesna

Bobby, Jesna's elder daughter was taken to Shankara Hospital, Bangalore. She was detected with minor malign tumorous growth on her left eye four years back. Bobby had been complaining about eye pain for a long duration and the check up at Manipal Hospital, Bangalore positively confirmed the growth then. Bobby was under allopathic treatment, and having met with no improvement overtime, was taken to an Ayurvedic treatment at Palakkad, Kerala. This treatment over a period of 2 years improved her condition drastically. 

Jesna has been under tremendous pressure and tension. But she faced the reality and took care of the daughter with all her energy. She struggled with her job and PhD, while Bobby was undergoing the ayurvedic treatment. She changed her work location, moved to Cochin, to aid in the schooling and treatment of her daughter. She even had to change the lifestyle for the entire family, including her husband, Bobby and the second kid Bhanu. 

Bobby have been complaining about eye pain again since a few months. Last week, she was again taken to Shankara, Bangalore and the test results showed that the level cell thickening which was detected one and years back, remains the same with no improvement. Jesna has again fallen into deep worry, for her daughter's stage. She has been little lenient in her daughter's diet, since Bobby started to show tremendous improvement. Also Bobby being starting her 10th Jesna wanted the kid to be less pressurized. 

Now, these are the stages when you really want to help out but can't do that for various reasons. Because of the geographical distance I cannot be physically present if at all I can help her out in some way. All I can wish is that she gets better soon and her 10th goes well. 

Jesna, has been a big strength for me throughout my difficulties. I discuss everything with her and she listens to me with no judgements. Through all her pains she has been supportive. What else can I wish for, if not her better state.

My Mother - I

This is something that I have been wanting to write down for a very long time. I wanted to write about my mother and the topic is more related to the childhood trauma that I have undergone.The primary reason why I have been procrastinating the activity  is that I'm scared that these repressed recollections would make my mind more depressed. But I have been reading that penning down the feelings can make me feel better. I do not know if this exercise is going to help me to recover. 

My mother was the second child of my maternal grandparents. She has an elder brother and three younger sisters. Out of all the five children she and my youngest aunt were the fairest and were considered to be very beautiful. I do not know if this point has some relevance to my story; nevertheless I'm just penning down the fact as I know. She did her Bsc in Mathematics followed by BEd and considers herself to be very intelligent in mathematics. Her brother (my uncle) joined police department after graduation and all her sisters, except the youngest, were also educated in the same line (BSc, BEd). The three sisters further joined teaching. My mother and her very next sister are retired now. My youngest aunt is always an exception and have made me wonder, what she expects from her life. I should write more about her in another post. 

The siblings never behaved friendly among them, though aggression was absent. Uncle was always silent but opened his mouth either to reply to his mother (my granny) or to his wife. If at all he spoke he was loud, either shouting at his mother or scolding his wife for reasons I could never understand. I have heard about me being his pet when I was small but after I grew up I never found any pampering from his side, though he has been soft in talking to me. He still talks soft to me (I consider the absence of negative words from him as soft and have observed that his sound is mild while talking to me at rare occasions). After I was married, I found him to be always confused as to what he needs to talk to me. Whenever I visited him, he always asked if it rains in Mumbai/Bangalore, or whether it hot in Mumbai/Bangalore. He also asked how Mr.D. is doing. With Mr.D. he spoke with respect. Mr.D. could easily fool uncle with his outwardly Mr.Perfect behaviors. 

Another thing that I have observed is that my uncle spoke only to me, among the his nieces and nephews. My brother forcefully conducted leisure talks with him and he replied back. Why he is like this, I do not know. Some say that he is childless and that makes him behave this way. May be. 

So back to my mother. My mother too spoke less with her siblings. She has not been a talkative person from the time I could recollect, but what made her stand out is that she seldom smiled too. Her rare smiles were never beyond a limit and it's difficult for one to make out whether she smiles or not. And laughter - I think she has never laughed in her life. The siblings always were respectful to both my mother and uncle while speaking. Might be this habit of them made my mother and uncle this way. 

My mother has always been unpleasant in her own way. Anything and anybody whom she felt moves beyond her wishes irritated her. If at all she felt someone behaved not as expected by her, they became her enemies and she never let away a single opportunity to trouble them to whatever extend it is possible. The word called 'forgiveness' never existed in her dictionary. Though it is difficult for her 'enemies' to understand what went wrong she tried her level best to punish them. Anyone would be surprised with the enemy list that she maintained. It starts from her own mother (my grandmother). She always found pleasure in talking bad about her mother. On her widowhood, she told that granny had wished for her widowhood. Otherwise she had complaints about her sister (the very next sibling of her's) and brother-in-law. She lied about them that they are liars. She gossiped about them that they are gossipers. I have no memory of mother speaking to her mother. Yes, I can recollect two instances wherein she shouted at her mother. This was after my father expired and grandmother kept quite and later told me that it is mother's tensions that makes her behave so and hence I shouldn't be bothering them.

Other than her siblings and mother she had heavy problems with her colleagues. She would stop talking to them. Our neighbors had issues. She stopped talking to them. The church people had issues. She stopped talking t them. Not just that. Whenever anyone among them met with some problem in their lives or whenever some else gossiped about them her face illuminated with boundless ecstasy.

Coincidental differences

You have everybody in your life except me.
I have nobody my life and you.

You have parents, siblings, friends, career and all what a human needs.
I'm an orphan with none around.

You have everything in your life except me.
I have nothing my life and you.

And that's why we are different and apart.

Good news and the confusions related

This time the good news is from my PhD. The long awaited results have started to pop up, though I'm yet to analyse them and put them onto my next paper. The results excited me but the discrepancies are making me worry. Anyways my supervisor is super duper confident :)

After making this into a paper, and being accepted, I will start writing my thesis. Sooner I will be job searching. I'm really confused whether to join teaching or industry. The pay in industry is quite promising and would surely require a good pay being a single mother. Maria's education and having to buy a house of our own are two main things of importance now. And then my dream of educating a few well deserving girls. These three things would want me to have money. But, in industry I'm again going to be a busy busy person and as the money comes my time with Maria might reduce. But then, I probably have no other choice.

For teaching, NIT Calicut is a good option. Many of my friends are in and around the place and I would have those connections if I'm there at Calicut. Moreover, the place is extremely beautiful! I can even build a house instead of an apartment there, which is what me and Maria like. I'm fed up of this rushy rushy life and long to have a peaceful, settled life.

But, you see, money matters for me now. Teaching pays less when compared to industry. So, I might have to opt for industry. And heaven knows, which country I'm going to land up, if in industry. Two months ago, Ashok my labmate have been placed with Hitachi and his location is Tokyo. And, I'm worried about such change of place at this time of my life.

Random feelings

My heart is sober, for reasons I can't apprehend.
It is heavy and digresses from my sought for being light.
I know not if this is caused by the pain of my other soul.
I know not if this achy maunders are sent to me from far.

I wish for my twin soul to be joyous and contempt.
Then my soul be in glee, for I would mirror thy glee as well.
And, then my mournful heart, should feel thy joyous heart,
merry with joy, still sent to me from afar.

Maria turns Nine

Today is Maria's 9th birthday. She is with Mr.D. and family celebrating her day. Mr.D. said that everyone in his family (eh?) wants to be with her for her birthday. He does not understand the concept of my (her mother's) wish to be with her for the day! He has been adamant and has threatened to take 'action' if the kid is not sent to his hometown for the birthday. 

Anyways, leaving the junk apart, I wish her "Many many happy returns of the day" and wish that she grows to be intelligent, compassionate and successful lady. I wish that my honey lives her life happily.

My sweetest, I know that being raised by a single mother is difficult for you. But, you have been trying your level best to make our lives good. I live for you and want to see your growth. I wish that you grow as high as possible and just by knowing and seeing you growing high, would your mother be contempt. 

I love you my baby! 

You are the sole and best gift that have happened in my lone life!!

Healing

People say, art heals.
But for her, it was the artist who healed her.

She makes me love her

Maria, yesterday afternoon popped up an idea.

   "Amma, when you marry, you should marry an intelligent person."

   "Marriage? What? Why?" I was a bit taken aback from her sudden words, since we never discussed me getting married again though I have told her about the divorce.

    "Amma, I'm saying next time when you get married." The innocent voice seems to have this thought of me marrying again. The media effect - I thought.

   "But, darling, I may not get married. I will be happy with you. Once I finish my PhD our life is going to be different. Hush off such thoughts." Partially I did not know what to tell her but more I was worried about her such thoughts at this tender age. What all must be in her little heart. I felt sad.

    "By the way, what is meant by marrying an intelligent person?" I asked her, to normalize the situation.

    "See, Amma, I will select the guy for you. I know how to check if a person is intelligent." So, it's the matter of intelligence.

    "How will you find that a person is intelligent?" I asked.

    "Ok. Lemme explain." My toddler continued. "First I will ask him to write down the multiplication table for 15864. That too without looking at the internet."

    "Ha ha ha." I'm unable to stop my laughter at the tough measure she is planning.

    "Don't laugh. I have more questions and conditions." Maria.

    "What are they?" I'm more curious now.

    "He should buy things for you and take me through the streets by bike."

   "Also he should answer more questions like Who came first - God or Universe, How do you compute the biggest number, If fire is solid or liquid etc.. And more and more questions."

Oh honey, I can't stop hugging you now. How innocent and beautiful you are. 

Though I explained to her that getting a new guy is difficult in India, she seems to be very optimistic :) And I love her looots. She is my cute little huggy chubby baby bear.

A (little) feminist under construction!

So, it is our story time before bed. This time the girl has grabbed "Bible stories for kids" from the library. After a few chapters from Old Testament, she asked me why Jesus stories are missing in the Bible? So we moved onto The New Testament. The chapter we read, described how Jesus selected the disciples.

After I read all the disciples' name, Maria asked me a question which have never occured to me. She asked,

     "Amma, why Jesus did not select any girl disciple?"

What she meant is why none of Jesus' disciples are women? Valid question, with no answer from my side.

But honey, I'm so glad that you asked this question.

Healing

I'm healing,
healing from my love for you.
healing from the pains reminiscent.
healing from the wounds deep.

I smile and keep assuring me, it was a dream.
And thus, I'm healing from my love for you.

Thoughts

I do not blame you for breaking my dreams!

After all, you were never part of building them!!

Yes, there is good news from me...

And Ah, after two weeks of treatment at Ayurmana I have good news! 

Physically, I'm feeling much better. Though my weight has not come down too much, I have reduced a quite a lot of inches, having reduced my inflammations. And the pains too have reduced a lot. The body feels much lighter now, the stiffness has been reduced, and my joints are in better condition now. The doctors say that RA medicines can be reduced. I wish so too.

And my brain is generating new hopes now, a feeling that I  have lost for years. I'm able to make distinction between realities and the imaginative dreams that hold. And I'm able to accept my past, and my brain cooperated with me in making positive affirmations. 

Yesterday, after Virechana(purgation), I felt that I need to reduce my medicine dosages. And you know, I'm getting such a feeling after such a loooong time! I'm feeling like hugging Maria(she is away with Mr.D. now). I feel love for her. The burdensome feeling of bringing her up as a single mother is moving out. I feel, now, that after my PhD and into a job, I will do good!

I feel a desire for my well being! And these are new emotions for me!!

Meeting more people at Ayurmana

This time in Ayurmana, I met many a wonderful people.

1. Zeenat aunty from Dhaka. She is 69 and is here for her arthritis treatment. She is very happy with the results of the treatment. On a day, we were walking together in the evening and started to talk. This lady, who looks extremely simple and humble, had an excellent proficiency in English (I'm wowed :) ). As we talked, she opened up more. She told me her stories, how she, her sister and brothers started a food chain similar to KFC in Dhaka at their teenage years and for some reasons how they closed it, her life as a teacher, her life in London with her husband and her post retirement life wherein she and her siblings are supporting 13 girls in Dhaka for their studies (they run an NGO called WINGS in Dhaka). I was quite happy with meeting her and was thinking even at this age how much a useful life she is leading. 

2. Here is another wonderful person, Abhishek along with his mother. He is 19 and is suffering from MSR. He is on his fourth trip here and his mother says that he has improved extensively. Abhishek is quick witted, all smiling and brilliant. How I wish him a fastest recovery! Hats off to the mother who keeps his spirits up, always laughing and cracking jokes!!

3. And there is Shastry uncle from Hyderabad. He is leaving this place tomorrow. Shastry uncle is 79 and has come along with his wife. Both are under treatment for arthritis. This man is always in high spirit, loud speaking and cracking jokes. The best surprise happened to me, when he started to share his PhD stories for which he registered at the age of 72, in law. He joined for LLB after his retirement from being a power engineer. He completed his LLM post that, later enrolling for PhD and successfully completing it. And now he is into spirituality. He agrees to my agnostic views (partially I felt) and says that the existence of God (God, according to him is a combinatorial power of construction, sustaining and destruction) within ourselves and the cumulative effect from around forms the concept of Universal God. And I'm thinking, might be!

4. Sruti is here for her treatment of Alopecia. This is her second time here. And believe me, I just couldn't believe that she ever had had Alopecia.

5. Dr. Maya is the senior consultant here. She has been at Ayurmana Kuwait center, and has moved to Trivandrum in the last year. She is calm, authoritative and has been successful in convincing me many things, which I wouldn't have agreed to if heard from other people! As I said earlier, I'm generally awed by the super women in all ways. With single touch she is able to understand the level of inflammations that I carry and this makes the treatment better for me.

My Second trip to Ayurmana

Last year, during the month of May, I had been to Ayurmana, Trivandrum, Kerala, for treating my depression. This year too I planned for the same. And I'm back to this wonderful place, which gave me the strength to proceed with my divorce, by making me realise the realities that I'm going through. This time I have to treated for rheumatoid arthritis as well apart from depression.

I reached Ayurmana, on May 4th and will be here for three weeks, expecting more miracles. But, this time a new me has come here; my depression has gone up like anything and I'm a bigger challenge for the doctors over here. The normal phrases like "You should live for yourself", "You should consider your daughter", or "You should prove to them that you can do well without them" are not helping my brain. But they have been trying. I feel a little better now, after 10 days being here, though not fully. But, the rheumatoid arthritis is very well getting under control. 

After a week with me here, Maria is away with Mr.D.. He has developed a sudden feeling of love for her after I told him that I filed for divorce from him. He says that he is very upset with the fact that I'm not sharing my travel schedules with him; he is forgetting the fact that I have decided not to be bound with him anymore.

I have got Magic Seeds by Naipul with me and am enjoying the lone time reading though I'm worried about the emotional blackmail that would be practiced by Mr.D. and family onto her. At times, I'm sitting at my laptop, listening to Leonard Cohen's Dance me to the end of life. The man is awesome and making me feel his voice traversing throught the beautiful lyricas!

In those so very few days,
While we were nearby,
You noticed everything around,

      From the li'l yellow tint within those jasmine flowers
      To those odd petals of gulmohar blooms.

      From the pretty rain drops that fell from roof tops
      To the dark clouds that brought in showers down.
 
      From the aromas that instills memories
      To the creaky sound that the crickets spell.

      From the butterflies, to the birdies, to the insects,  and the people around
      To all the tiniest of tiny things that just passed by you.


You noticed everything around, but my heart!

The new friend - Rheumatoid Arthritis

I'm being detected with Rheumatoid Arthritis, three months ago. It has been like this. I have had sever joint pain (ankles and elbow) and swelling all over my body. During December 2018, this started to flare up, but infrequently. I attributed the pains to my tensions and swelling to my anti-depressants and my less water intake. In January 2019, Mumbai saw it's worst low temperature, as in other parts of the world. My pains started to increase. But at some point, I has so much of stiffness on my ankles ans lower leg, that I found it even difficult to walk at a normal speed. I thought my chappals had some issues and bought a new set. But my pains continued.

A friend of mine suggested Dr. Aina inside campus, who practices acupressure. Dr. Aina identified some pressure on my left hand fingers and asked to go for the treatment for 20 days. In the first three days, there was a huge relief, my ankle swelling went down, stiffness reduced and there I was able to walk brisk. But, my pains remained. After around a week, the swelling started to come back and went aways in two days. This oscillatory process repeated for a few days. I consulted Dr. Aina again. She advised me to meet a physician, who doubted for the onset of arthritis and asked for the blood test. The blood test turned out to be positive with anti-CCP level being 958 u/ml (normal being 20 u/ml).

I'm being told that I would have to take the RA medications for quite a longer period. But the doctor feels that the effects could be kept under control with medications and proper help. She suggested that my family be informed so that I get proper help. Now, I can take medication, but as far as help is concerned I have none.  

In the last month, I have been getting more pains. Many of the joints give sudden pain attacks. It is sometimes my hip joints that pain, and other times its my shoulder joints. Once even, my right cheek joint was aching for two days. It was much worse when my left wrist ached. The pain was severe, even a slightest movement made me feel the extreme pain.

At times, I'm worried, in case of any emergency due to RA or something else, what would happen to me and Maria. I'm worried and just can't let these feeling go away from my brain.

Not so happy updates of me - II

Sometimes I sit and think, what my state is. After Mr.D. has moved out he has been upto multiple dramas and I have been surely affected by them. After all, that is all he wants. His phycological games on Maria, which he does through phone calls, has been bothering me a lot too. I think, for what I'm even living on this earth!

Sure, this uselessness feelings amasses me at times like anything. Neither my mother makes an attempt call me. I, at times used to think, what I would have felt if Maria was to undergo what I'm going through right now. Such a thing would have crushed me. I would have supported her like anything. I could never bear my little one going through such pain. And, here is this lady, who claims to be my mother, not even bothering to make atleast a single call knowing that I'm in such a pain. I have earlier written about her, but haven't published it, due to lack of time. I will soon publish it. Might be, writing it would relieve my pain to some extend.

And I have a male sibling. He too do not call me. He contacted me somewhere in August 2018; then he was sharing his troubles as to how he struggles financially (having been onto an US onsite job that time). May be he was scared that I would seek financial help from him and so took a bail in advance, so that I do not ask for any money from him. He, once, also asked me how I plan to support myself financially, during the intermediate period between my graduation and job hunt. He, probably, is not aware that unlike in other degrees, we PhDians join for jobs before our final degree is in our hands.

And I'm here, all alone, going through the darkest of moments, financially, emotionally and physically. I do not know I should live. But, thinking of Maria and the tortures she would have to undergo, once I'm no more (who would want her when she is my daughter, they not even want me), I prolong my life here on earth.

Wish

How I wish that I haven't met you at all.

It scares me

This love, that I hold within, scares me!

I'm just scared to meet you again,
         just in case you get to know my love!

I'm scared to confess my feelings,
         I can't take your rejections!

I'm scared to talk about you to others
         since it will break my heart to know
         that you found your love with her!!

Destiny

Is it my destiny that I must love you!

Infactuation vs. Love

How I wish that I'm just infactuated over you
      and not in love with you really!!

I'm waiting to hear from someone
       that it's just the first one!!

I should be scared

Ideally, for the type of me,
       I should be scared to death,
       For the all the transformations that I have gone through,
       And for the love that I feel for you!

I should be scared, for the type I'm,
       To understand that I'm in love with you,
       To be in the illusionary bubble that my heart created,
       Inside of which, I see you as the man, my beloved!

I should be scared, for the realizations that I have,
       That this bubble is fragile,
       And could be shattered, bulleting my existence,
       To rip my heart, ending up me in ruin.

I should be scared, for the feeling that get,
       That touch I feel of your arms around me,
       That kiss which melts me, your lips on my temple,
       And the hands that caress and hold me while I'm asleep.

I should be scared, for I know my brain,
       The smile on your face is just my brain lying to me,
       The touch that I feel are my heart's extreme wantedness for you,
       Manifesting into my brain fooling me.
 
And, the more I love you,
      I feel both bliss and misery, both out of love.
      And I question myself, with all this fire within me,
      Am I wrong to decide to love you till breath fade away!

Was I married to a narcist?

One question that has been bothering me - Was I married to a narcissist? I do not know. For me to describe Mr.D. I would need a stronger term. Attributing him with a word like narcissism looks too soft me. He was much more cruel!

He,

1. Pays hell lot of lip service. But in reality his word and actions never matched up. On questioning him, I'm threatened, beaten and physiologically abused.
2. States that people around him are bad. One observation that I have had is this. If he finds anyone better than him, he has a story to narrate as to how the 'saints of his family' (parents, brothers and him) were troubled by them.
3. Does self-exaltation and thinks and says that he is perfect. He is always the good guy of the story. You know, he beat me up for my mistakes, he threw food on me for my mistakes, he took off all my money for my well being etc.. And the best part, he even told a lawyer (who was consulted as a first step toward divorce) that he has practical wisdom and I have only useless bookish knowledge which I gained through books and blogs!
4. Has been acting nurturing and empathetic at the beginning of the marriage. Now, how sorry I feel for myself, not to detect the venom inside him while his actions depicted the opposite. And never to forget that he has been reminding me (till now) about how good his behaviors and actions have been.
5. Holds an extreme ability to lie, then deny, and blame shifting as an and when appropriate for him. And my poor brain, went on confusion mode unable to decipher these contradictory behaviors. 
• When he is caught on a lie, he will either deny that he said or would blame me that my question was different and I'm unnecessarily torturing him.
• He would turn into a victim mode often and you guess who is the villain here? Yes, it's me always.
6. Believes (for me it looks this) that I cannot survive without his support. He kept convincing me that he is the only one of mine in the whole world. And then happens point 3 and 4.
7. Tried and succeeded in alleviating me from all my contacts. According to him, majority of my friends, my mother, my brother, my colleagues, my relatives and even my doctor are too bad people to be in touch with. He pointed out their problems in such a way that I would get convinced at many times, that they are not to be with. And slowly I got alleviated, no one knew my problems and I lost all support at some point. But, he is being regarded as 'The Saint' of the family. Even now, after disclosing my problems, many do not believe me. You know, after he moved out he calls my uncles, aunties and cousins and is playing his well scripted 'cry drama' and tells them that he cannot live in this world without me.
8. Tells that he is the only soul incarnated to revive my life. He does everything for me you know. To aid me in my higher studies, he even had controlled himself from having sex with me for the past seven years and had once in a blue moon physical contacts before that. And can someone believe this, he tried his luck on getting me impregnated for a few times in the first year and kept away from me after that because the baby is born.
9. Desperate in getting me back now. He is playing all his venomous tact, crying, acting love (send love filled messages through mails and messages), sending bouquets on my birthday (he never did this in the past ten years), calling up Maria and saying good things about me to her (so that I'm convinced that he is a changed man), making others call me and they telling me that he loves me a lot and cannot live this life without me.
10. To my surprise, even after all these battles, he seems to believe that I will give up the idea of divorce. He believes that I can be convinced by him, that my need for separation is just a false belief that can be rectified.

My Little Pleasures (savoring experinces)

Based on this article from Psychology Today, I thought of writing my little happiness list:

1. Going to sleep on a clean, neatly made bed. Light colored bedspreads I love.
2. Having nice curtains and table spreads.
3. Coming home from work , to an organized and clutter free  home.
4. The end result of cleaning kitchen tops.
5. A properly organized wardrobe with useless items purged.
6. A nearly empty laundry basket.
7. Clutter free tables.
8. Organized, clean bookshelves and cupboards.
9. A clean desktop/laptop desktop. 
10. When I'm done with a software update (probably a bit procrastinated once).
11. A well stitched dress, and wearing it.
12. Wearing clean polished footwear.
13. Pedicured foot and nails.
14. Having Malappuram style chaya. The tea made with  less milk, less tea dust and appropriate amount of sugar.
15. Completion of daily news paper reading.
16. Having done a Sudoku.
17. The smell of books and libraries.
18. The scent that comes when earth first receives a shower (the technical name for this is Petrichor). 
19. The fresh cut-grass smell.
20. Workouts (walking, yoga or cardios), when I do them in continuously for atleast for a week.
21. Ticking off items from To-Do list.
22. Reading book on a cozy chair, with a tea.
23. Reading a book on my neat bed.
24. The look of a properly baked cake, by me.
25. Malappuram biriyani.
26. Looking at my balcony garden and see how my plants grow, and harvesting the spinach and ladies fingers.
27. When I'm done with a song on keyboard with notes and chords matching.
28. A vacation to water side.
29. The look of Kerala greenery.
30. The sight of rain through the windows. 
31. The sight of trees while it rains.
32. Watching a comedy filled movie.
33. To look at my baby when she sleeps. 
34. Listening to Maria, about her day in school. 
35. Seeing Maria's drawings and her enthusiasm to do the activity.
36. Having understood a hard theorem or a paper, which has been taking a while to get grab to.
37. Implementing and getting good results while programming.
38. Talking to a close friend, Jesu or Ashok.
39. Talking to Jerin, and listening to his witty brilliant remarks.
40. Finishing a poem, and the feel of purging the emotions through it.
41. Publishing a post here, this being a kinda my secret space.

Might be I will add in more as and when I remember them.

----------------- Updated --------------------------
And Oh God! How I forgot this one :
42. The talks, little and big ones,  that I have with Jesu.

And these too,
43. The cleverly witted talks of Jerin, my PhD labmate.
44. Chai with my all time compassinate friend Ashok.

The not so happy updates of mine

So many things have been happenings in my life in the past four months. First of all, let me start with the best that happened. Mr.D. has moved out of my life physically. Though I'm not yet legally separated from Mr.D., the incidents related have been surprising, scary and difficult. Journaling some below:

• Mr.D. has been calling Maria daily night, and talking to her. He has been practicing negative speech against me at the beginning. He did not share any of his whereabouts on his moving out. All of a sudden I was told that, he would move out in two days and in the fist week of Nov 2018, he moved out. Since he had plans to make me undergo stress of his absence, he neither arranged transport for Maria's school, nor any household help for me. After all, he wanted me to know that it's not possible for me to manage my life without him. He also decided not to share any of expenses that I will bear towards me and Maria. Since he was not used take our expenses from the beginning, I was neither surprised nor expected him to do so.
• I arranged a transport for Maria, and my state got more peaceful. Mother came and stayed with me for two months. Though, she started her normal tortures towards me, I was happy that Maria will be safe with her. But, Oh! She. The lady stopped talking to me and started to give more and more tortures. After three weeks she started her mantra of wanting to go back, for various falsified reasons. I tried my level best to make her stay longer, but she denied, booked tockets through her son, and went out with the help a neighbour of mine, to her homwtown.
• After Mother moved out, it was a bit of stress for me understand that, she had intended to hurt me at this stage of life. Doing Phd, going through divorce, and having to manage a daughter is indeed extremely difficult. Might be she felt that, by moving out she could get her own share of happiness to see me burn!
• In the month of December, Mr.D. felt an urgent urge to meet his daughter, and decided to take her to a nearby mall. I too went along, though it was a torture for me. I was scared that he would carry away Maria. He told Maria that he would buy for her, whatever she asked for. She was thrilled and asked for many things. Each time she asked something, I saw him getting upset with the price tag. He asked Maria to get permission from me to buy those items. He expected me to say NO, to her since the items were expensive. On the contrary, I said ok to her for all the items. The poor father of Maria, had to spend 30,000+ for the day. I watched him paying through credit card and felt happy. After all, he is buying her things first time in his life.
• I filed a notice to him, through my lawyer, asking for mutual divorce. He did not reply. 
• So, now I am filing for my divorce, by contest, in a few days.
• Maria has been informed of the same and said nothing back. The poor thing did not understand the seriousness.

And, I'm here fighting for my separation, all alone here!

Thinking About You

How much you have been in my thoughts?
Everyday! Every hour!!
And the sadest part is - nothing is deliberate!!!

A Decision

To love you
   - with all by heart and energy,
   - till my last breath,
is my decision!

Loving right

First time ever in my life,

I feel something I'm doing right -
     - To love you & wanting to be with you.

And, yes, it feels so right to love you!
Something error free and righteous I'm doing!!
Completely guilt free!!!

എന്റെ സ്നേഹം

എന്റെ പൊന്നേ,
ഇതെന്തൊരു സ്നേഹമാണെനിക്ക് നിന്നോട്.
നിന്നെ ഇങ്ങിനെ സ്നേഹിക്കാൻ തന്നെ എന്തു രസമാണ്.

എത്രയോ തവണ ഞാൻ തോറ്റു പോയി,
നിന്നെ മറക്കുവാൻ ശ്രമിച്ചു.

നിന്നോടെനിക്ക് ഒരു പരാതിയേ ഉള്ളൂ.
എന്തിനാണ് നീ ഇത്രയും വൈകിയെത്തിയത്
എന്റെ ജീവിതത്തിലേക്ക്.

ഒരു സങ്കടമേ ഉള്ളൂ എനിക്ക്.
മരിക്കുന്നതിന് മുന്നേ എനിക്ക് നിന്നെ,
ആവശ്യത്തിന് സ്നേഹിക്കാൻ സമയം കിട്ടുമോ?

നിന്നെ സ്നേഹിച്ചു സ്നേഹിച്ചു തന്നെ എനിക്ക് ജീവിക്കണം,
നിന്നെ സ്നേഹിക്കയാൽ തന്നെ എനിക്ക് മരിക്കണം.

To Love You

To love you is a bliss.
To be loved by you the ecstasy.

Request

Leave me,
            without making me feel the pain of separation.
Promise,
           to come back a day not too ahead.
And then, I will live, till my last breath,
           loving you, longing for you.

My bloody heart

And, Ah! This bloody heart of mine,
Who can't forgo you, failing after trials after trials.
Who can't stop loving you, for then it stops beating.
And teaches me that, my poor soul would stop
                                       at the mere attempt of forsaking you.