Of late, around a week, I'm feeling so low in my energies. My mood is drowning as if my life's most precious 'something' is snatched away from me. I feel as if I'm chocked and tears are coming down at any time. Sudden thoughts of worthlessness surrounds me. The thoughts of the past incident, in which Mr.D. has thrown food on me, makes me feel as if I'm an unwanted dust on the earth.
"Who on the earth would go through this?" My logical brain asks.
"You, the unworthy dust!" My emotional brain replies and that breaks me.
Tears fall down; I feel extremely weak unable to control my own emotions. The orphaned feeling amasses me from all sides. I try to decipher my own state, but I'm lost. I feel as if I have lost my own soul somewhere. Yes I have lost it. If ever someone helps me to get it back!
Yesterday afternoon onward the brain has been behaving extremely bad. An extreme sense of worthlessness addend with deep pain was all I could feel.
"Who am I, to feel good? To feel wanted? To feel loved? To feel being cared?" The tug-of-war between the logical and emotional counterparts becomes a war field.
"No one. You are no one to anybody in this world. You are just a dust who was forced and fooled into am abusive marriage." The emotional fellow wins and laughs. And I'm all lost. The heart sinks and gets heavier. Even cry spells couldn't help. The unwantedness pushes me down.
"No one. You are no one to anybody in this world. You are just a dust who was forced and fooled into am abusive marriage." The emotional fellow wins and laughs. And I'm all lost. The heart sinks and gets heavier. Even cry spells couldn't help. The unwantedness pushes me down.
At around 6.30pm Mom calls and tells me that she has been feeling that I'm in some pain. I cried a lot. I burst into her for forcing me into this marriage through her emotional drama. She listens and her voice trembles as well.
After sometimes, Maria picks up a book gifted to me by a dear friend of mine in the past. I found it surprising but my heart breaks thinking of my once light heart.
And, O this pain!
Who amasses my mind, body and soul!
Who makes me limb on day and night!
Who on this earth can drive you away?
I seek Mother Mary and the Universe ,
To guide me, and help me to move on.
I offer my tears and pains to them,
What else can I give them, other than these aches!!
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