The new friend - Rheumatoid Arthritis

I'm being detected with Rheumatoid Arthritis, three months ago. It has been like this. I have had sever joint pain (ankles and elbow) and swelling all over my body. During December 2018, this started to flare up, but infrequently. I attributed the pains to my tensions and swelling to my anti-depressants and my less water intake. In January 2019, Mumbai saw it's worst low temperature, as in other parts of the world. My pains started to increase. But at some point, I has so much of stiffness on my ankles ans lower leg, that I found it even difficult to walk at a normal speed. I thought my chappals had some issues and bought a new set. But my pains continued.

A friend of mine suggested Dr. Aina inside campus, who practices acupressure. Dr. Aina identified some pressure on my left hand fingers and asked to go for the treatment for 20 days. In the first three days, there was a huge relief, my ankle swelling went down, stiffness reduced and there I was able to walk brisk. But, my pains remained. After around a week, the swelling started to come back and went aways in two days. This oscillatory process repeated for a few days. I consulted Dr. Aina again. She advised me to meet a physician, who doubted for the onset of arthritis and asked for the blood test. The blood test turned out to be positive with anti-CCP level being 958 u/ml (normal being 20 u/ml).

I'm being told that I would have to take the RA medications for quite a longer period. But the doctor feels that the effects could be kept under control with medications and proper help. She suggested that my family be informed so that I get proper help. Now, I can take medication, but as far as help is concerned I have none.  

In the last month, I have been getting more pains. Many of the joints give sudden pain attacks. It is sometimes my hip joints that pain, and other times its my shoulder joints. Once even, my right cheek joint was aching for two days. It was much worse when my left wrist ached. The pain was severe, even a slightest movement made me feel the extreme pain.

At times, I'm worried, in case of any emergency due to RA or something else, what would happen to me and Maria. I'm worried and just can't let these feeling go away from my brain.

Not so happy updates of me - II

Sometimes I sit and think, what my state is. After Mr.D. has moved out he has been upto multiple dramas and I have been surely affected by them. After all, that is all he wants. His phycological games on Maria, which he does through phone calls, has been bothering me a lot too. I think, for what I'm even living on this earth!

Sure, this uselessness feelings amasses me at times like anything. Neither my mother makes an attempt call me. I, at times used to think, what I would have felt if Maria was to undergo what I'm going through right now. Such a thing would have crushed me. I would have supported her like anything. I could never bear my little one going through such pain. And, here is this lady, who claims to be my mother, not even bothering to make atleast a single call knowing that I'm in such a pain. I have earlier written about her, but haven't published it, due to lack of time. I will soon publish it. Might be, writing it would relieve my pain to some extend.

And I have a male sibling. He too do not call me. He contacted me somewhere in August 2018; then he was sharing his troubles as to how he struggles financially (having been onto an US onsite job that time). May be he was scared that I would seek financial help from him and so took a bail in advance, so that I do not ask for any money from him. He, once, also asked me how I plan to support myself financially, during the intermediate period between my graduation and job hunt. He, probably, is not aware that unlike in other degrees, we PhDians join for jobs before our final degree is in our hands.

And I'm here, all alone, going through the darkest of moments, financially, emotionally and physically. I do not know I should live. But, thinking of Maria and the tortures she would have to undergo, once I'm no more (who would want her when she is my daughter, they not even want me), I prolong my life here on earth.

Wish

How I wish that I haven't met you at all.

It scares me

This love, that I hold within, scares me!

I'm just scared to meet you again,
         just in case you get to know my love!

I'm scared to confess my feelings,
         I can't take your rejections!

I'm scared to talk about you to others
         since it will break my heart to know
         that you found your love with her!!

Destiny

Is it my destiny that I must love you!

Infactuation vs. Love

How I wish that I'm just infactuated over you
      and not in love with you really!!

I'm waiting to hear from someone
       that it's just the first one!!

I should be scared

Ideally, for the type of me,
       I should be scared to death,
       For the all the transformations that I have gone through,
       And for the love that I feel for you!

I should be scared, for the type I'm,
       To understand that I'm in love with you,
       To be in the illusionary bubble that my heart created,
       Inside of which, I see you as the man, my beloved!

I should be scared, for the realizations that I have,
       That this bubble is fragile,
       And could be shattered, bulleting my existence,
       To rip my heart, ending up me in ruin.

I should be scared, for the feeling that get,
       That touch I feel of your arms around me,
       That kiss which melts me, your lips on my temple,
       And the hands that caress and hold me while I'm asleep.

I should be scared, for I know my brain,
       The smile on your face is just my brain lying to me,
       The touch that I feel are my heart's extreme wantedness for you,
       Manifesting into my brain fooling me.
 
And, the more I love you,
      I feel both bliss and misery, both out of love.
      And I question myself, with all this fire within me,
      Am I wrong to decide to love you till breath fade away!

Was I married to a narcist?

One question that has been bothering me - Was I married to a narcissist? I do not know. For me to describe Mr.D. I would need a stronger term. Attributing him with a word like narcissism looks too soft me. He was much more cruel!

He,

1. Pays hell lot of lip service. But in reality his word and actions never matched up. On questioning him, I'm threatened, beaten and physiologically abused.
2. States that people around him are bad. One observation that I have had is this. If he finds anyone better than him, he has a story to narrate as to how the 'saints of his family' (parents, brothers and him) were troubled by them.
3. Does self-exaltation and thinks and says that he is perfect. He is always the good guy of the story. You know, he beat me up for my mistakes, he threw food on me for my mistakes, he took off all my money for my well being etc.. And the best part, he even told a lawyer (who was consulted as a first step toward divorce) that he has practical wisdom and I have only useless bookish knowledge which I gained through books and blogs!
4. Has been acting nurturing and empathetic at the beginning of the marriage. Now, how sorry I feel for myself, not to detect the venom inside him while his actions depicted the opposite. And never to forget that he has been reminding me (till now) about how good his behaviors and actions have been.
5. Holds an extreme ability to lie, then deny, and blame shifting as an and when appropriate for him. And my poor brain, went on confusion mode unable to decipher these contradictory behaviors. 
• When he is caught on a lie, he will either deny that he said or would blame me that my question was different and I'm unnecessarily torturing him.
• He would turn into a victim mode often and you guess who is the villain here? Yes, it's me always.
6. Believes (for me it looks this) that I cannot survive without his support. He kept convincing me that he is the only one of mine in the whole world. And then happens point 3 and 4.
7. Tried and succeeded in alleviating me from all my contacts. According to him, majority of my friends, my mother, my brother, my colleagues, my relatives and even my doctor are too bad people to be in touch with. He pointed out their problems in such a way that I would get convinced at many times, that they are not to be with. And slowly I got alleviated, no one knew my problems and I lost all support at some point. But, he is being regarded as 'The Saint' of the family. Even now, after disclosing my problems, many do not believe me. You know, after he moved out he calls my uncles, aunties and cousins and is playing his well scripted 'cry drama' and tells them that he cannot live in this world without me.
8. Tells that he is the only soul incarnated to revive my life. He does everything for me you know. To aid me in my higher studies, he even had controlled himself from having sex with me for the past seven years and had once in a blue moon physical contacts before that. And can someone believe this, he tried his luck on getting me impregnated for a few times in the first year and kept away from me after that because the baby is born.
9. Desperate in getting me back now. He is playing all his venomous tact, crying, acting love (send love filled messages through mails and messages), sending bouquets on my birthday (he never did this in the past ten years), calling up Maria and saying good things about me to her (so that I'm convinced that he is a changed man), making others call me and they telling me that he loves me a lot and cannot live this life without me.
10. To my surprise, even after all these battles, he seems to believe that I will give up the idea of divorce. He believes that I can be convinced by him, that my need for separation is just a false belief that can be rectified.