ആശ #1

എനിക്കെന്റെ കണ്ണുനീരൊന്നു കഴുകിതുടക്കണം
പലവഴി ഓടുന്ന മനസിന്റെ കടിഞ്ഞാൽ കയ്യിലൊതുക്കണം
എന്നിട്ടു, എനിക്കൊന്ന് പൊട്ടിച്ചിരിക്കണം
ഇത് മാത്രമാണെന്റെ  ആശ.

Mumbai Monsoon Worries

Yes, it's raining in Mumbai. A much awaited season, by Mumbaikars, to escape from the summer heat. But here I am, again tired of the season change, though I myself has been wanting it to come as early as possible. 

Me and Maria were in Kerala, during the month of May. The pre-monsoon showers has been extremely soothing me. How I love the rain in Kerala! At times I feel as if I'm in love when it rains over there. The feelings that forthcome in your brain. Gosh! Unfathomable!!

Now that I'm back in Mumbai, the monsoon also has reached Mumbai shores, traveling all along the Konkan route. But, how I feel now? Obviously not in an exemplified mood. Why?

• After the treatment from Ayurmana, there was much reduction in my elbow joints pain. Prior the pain and heaviness over the joints were so much that I used to pour hot water, to get some soothing sensation. Once the rain has started here, the climate has turned cold. And I'm again getting my pains back. Yes, I'm still on their internal medication and do daily yoga. But still this coldness is giving me these aches.
• At times, it's so cold that I'm unable to sleep because of it. Yea, it's also difficult for me to sleep, when it's too warm :(.
• The clothes aren't getting dried up. My laundry basket is overflowing and the very sight irritates me (Might be this is because of my disease).
• I'm worried of the smell and mold accumulation after the clothes dry out (you see, one feels as if they are partially dried, during rainy season), and I keep ironing them out. And yes, this is much of an extra work for me.
• And this campus is full of cow dung and during rain they flow. And I need to walk very carefully not to step onto them. Grrrrrrrr........... How yucky I feel :(.

I wish I could escape these feelings

I think, you never escape depression. It's sturdy hands would choke your throat anytime in your life. The rugged hands have the supreme capability of killing your mind and body. It would make you feel frail and muted. You feel that you alone are the most worthless unlucky dust on the earth. You wish you could just disappear from your current life forgetting your past and wrecking you future. All the time this monster just keep scaring you. And then you are not even able to end your life at your wish. You lose your energies. You keep thinking and thinking. The mind wanders into forbidden pastures. Tears are there, not just on your eyes, they are their on your mind and soul. All accumulated but blocked, failing to come down. 

The thought that you have to live this life, though you have no wish or energy to take it ahead, is so difficult. A life to be lived which keeps killing you within. I feel so scared today that I have to live this life all alone. With none nearby. It makes me so scared and timid at times.

 

I wish I could have at least a cry and get the monster away. But in vain. I'm feeling so helpless.

When I tell people that I have depression

When I tell people that I have depression, I get multiple reactions:

• Many do not understand that I have a medical condition but think that I'm sad over some unfortunate thing in my life.
• Some don't understand what it is and asks me further questions.
• Some are absolutely mute.
• Some give me LOTS of advices on 'how to think positive'.
• Some ask me to have faith in God.
• Some blame my overambitious nature, saying that I try too much to balance my life between family and work.
• Some blame my disbelieve in God and say that God punishes.
• Some pity.
• Some stare.
• Some ask me to be a housewife to reduce tension.
• Some do understand and leave me into my own life.
• Some(Very few) understand and stand with me.
• The hilarious one: This happened at Ayurmana. I met a gentleman (see my language) there, who left Ayurmana in three days after I joined the place. When I told him that I have depression(only after he asking me what my medical condition is), he immediately guessed that I have some marital issues. He started to talk to me (though I was not in a mood to talk). He didn't ask directly anything to me, but Hail his guessing capabilities. He took my number. After he left, his messages poped into my mobile like anything. He was so worried about my depression that he started to offer sex through his messages. He also regrets that for those three days that I was at Ayurmana, he couldn't invite me to his room (might be you forgot gentleman, you did call me multiple times and I denied) so that he could have had my body then and there itself. Pity, pity, pity! Pity on you!!

Now why the hell on this earth, should I feel like telling people that I have this medical condition. I will lie to you next time when you ask me what my health issue is. Hail Me! Hail my brain!! Hail my disease!!! That's it!!!!

Why Amma, Why?

Today, when I was walking down the department corridor, to meet Prof.V, my mind is indulged with the conversations I had with Amma. The "Lattice Theory", which is supposed to enthrall  my brain is failing to do so, since the time I left Ayurmana. With my mind somewhere else, my soul in another world, body at Mumbai, I can feel my brain working hard to put them together. I wish I'm back to my normal PhD life soon and the degree crowns me soon.

Finding it difficult, on Sunday I called up Amma. I wanted to check with her if she can come and stay with me in Mumbai for two weeks. She picked the call and told that she in church and some important meeting is going on. She promised to call back in the evening. But no call came. Monday evening I again called her. I could hear people singing devotional songs when she picked up the call. She told that a prayer meeting is going on and she will call me back after an hour. Again no call came. Yesterday evening I again called her. I heard Shalom TV being played on the other side. Some priest is offering Holy Mass. 

      "Hello Amma."

      "Yea tell me fast, what you wanted to tell," Amma's voice.

      "Why didn't you call me till now? It has been three days," I'm questioning her.

      "Oh, there was so much work at church and I just went busy," Amma said. I'm here losing my control over my brain. What the hell.

      "Amma, S(my co-sister), called me and told many things and she was crying a lot. She read many conversations between Mr.D. and her husband(Mr.D.'s brother). I'm in such a big trap, I feel. Or rather, why did you let me into this trap?," Now my voice has started to shiver, recollecting what S has told me.

       "Oh, is it, I never expected Mr.D. would go so much." Wasn't her voice cold.

      "Amma, can't you feel the pain I'm in? Can't you even get a bit of it? Do you at least care for me?" My voice is wet now. But silence followed on the other side and it just upset me.

     "Don't you care for me Amma. Say YES or NO." My voice raised but tears controlled.

     "Yes." Amma's voice came. I cut the call. I wanted to cry aloud falling into someone's hands. But no, I cant do that. Maria is around. She would panic. I need to wait till she goes to sleep to soak my pillows with my tears.

                              But O heart! heart! heart!
                              O the bleeding drops of red!

                              My heart, the poor heart!                             

                              The aches would tear you apart. 

                              The tears would turn red one day,

                              Pillows would fret on the stain they get.

                              

And into the forest I want my ply!!

A Letter to the Worry Queen!

At Ayurmana, Dr.Jayaprakash, checked my palms(he knows palmistry) and said that I have a very special trait. I can worry over anything and everything under the sun like a child. My friends used to ask me, "Itna sochti kyoon ho? (Why you think this much?)". I never realised that I'm the universal worry queen, till Dr.JP told me this. I have been adviced to try a some breathing techniques and mindfulness to bring this trait under control. 

Below is a letter that I'm anticipating from someone very soon :).

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To,

The Worry Queen

Worry Land

From,

A Worried Disciple

Worry Land

Your Worry Majesty,

Hail You and long live your worries!

I'm writing to you with lots of worries in my worried mind. I heard that your worry levels have been going beyond the actual worry level as prescribed by our palace worrycian. I'm much worried about you, Your Majesty!

I read in our daily "Worry News", that you not only worry when it does not rain but also worry when it rains. Your worry that our small balconies cant properly get our clothes dried during rainy days is well understood. But why do you worry that the sunny days can fade our clothes. Now, we disciples are so worried about the rain and our clothes that, our Worry Lab at Worry West has decided to start a new research on worry free clothing.

Now, Your Majesty! Our next worry is your worry that strawberries being red, oranges being orange and bananas being yellow. You know Your Majesty, there have been times when I have worried about leaves being green and sea full of water. It would, obviously have been excellent to have all black leaves (all in same black and no color variations, okie) and sea full of land and land full of water. But, what to do, this is impractical. The Creator is above us all. So I'm trying to adapt to His whimsical ways of design and creation of this universe. We have no choice, Your Majesty! No choice at all!!

And Your Majesty, you worry a lot that you worry. You also worry that we worry. But my greatest concern is when you worry that we worry about your worries. Enough Your Majesty! Enough!! We can't see you suffering through your worries. (Now I'm worried that you worry that I worry on your worries and my worries together!)

Hence, I humbly request you to stop worrying on atleast our worries. Let your worries be there with you. And let our worries be with us. I wish you to get well soon and be back to your normal worrisome life.

With much worries and thanks,

Your's truly,

Your deeply worried disciple.

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NB: Now I challenge you. Who would want to compete with me in worrying. I'm pretty confident that I can beat up anyone out there in the worry zone :) :).

On Love: as an emotion

I have been reading the concepts such as soulmates and twin flames of late. I'm liking both the concepts, though the people who speak about these concepts do not furnish any proofs on the existence of such things. The ideas seems to be very nice. Out of soulmates and twin flames, the concept of twin flames looks good. The idea of loving someone unconditionally and being loved unconditionally. But, while reading such things, I'm analyzing my own feelings. I doubt, if at all I have a brain wiring that can love someone, let apart loving unconditionally. The neural science says that, the brain wiring for unconditional love exists and is different.

I was telling my brother, post my decision about separation from Mr.D. that, I don't feel that I'm a marriageable feminine recipe. When he asked why I feel so, I admitted my inability to close my eyes towards the mistakes (major according to me), that Mr.D. and his family has done. At times, closing eyes might save marriages, I said. 

But what I realize these days is that, probably I do not need a man to complete my life. I don't say that having a man in life is a nuisance. But, I think I'll survive and live contented much better, if I do not have a truthful and trustworthy partner. I wouldn't regret that. 

Now, back to the emotion of love. I do not know what is love. The most closest feelings that I had developed till now for my dear and near ones are respect, empathy, sympathy, consideration, concern etc.. But love, I doubt if I have love for someone. Or might be love is combinations of such feelings towards someone. I don't know.

For Maria, it's a different feeling. It's all these feelings combined with responsibility. Responsibility to bring up, this little soul in the best possible way. Is it love? Again, I do not know.