A few incidents happened in the last few days and I'm now not sure ifever i would recover from my depressed state. As I gaze back, the depression has attacked in me two ways. One is the sudden type of attack which occurs just after or during the cause of a depressive incident. This type is often caused by the words, actions and attitudes by my mother and brother. Their harsh words and negligence often times dagger through my heart, making my heart bleed. This might be because, when in difficult states, I expect that atleast they would be ready to help me out and when they deny my pleads, I feel lost. One such incident happened when I requested mother to help me out by staying with me, if Mr.D. would move out of house. She simply said that it is going to be difficult for her! And my heart cries here. With no one to help out. I want someone to take care of Maria, if Mr.D. is asked to move out. She has raised complaints against me to her son and he too has stopped calling me, together with her.
On another incident, I asked brother, if it would be possible for him to come to Mumbai once to meet the lawyer to discuss the legal proceedings of separation. He said it will be difficult since he will be in India only for three weeks and need to go to Bangalore for two days. I just can't digest these. You can't even come for a single day, to save your sister's life. Yesterday I asked him, if he could pick me and Maria up from the airport, when we reach hometown. Now this travel is planned for attending his son's baptism! He said it's not possible for him, since he would reach a day back of my travel he would have jet lag. What reasons are these? And I'm suddenly thrown into the filthy state of negligence and unwantedness. No one wants me. No one cares for me. It does not matter to anybody in this world, whether I'm alive or not. I just doesn't matter for them!!
The second type of attack doesn't happen just after the incident. It takes time for me to even realize the incident. Then slowly I digest the attack. And I fall into deep pits. Unable to get back. This is often caused my Mr.D.. His harsh words and violent actions generally makes me numb to react, since I already have the rooted feeling that no one help me out of this state. So I got numb when he called me fatherless, when he beat me, when he threw food on me. But after sometime, I realize something has happened. Then I just fall! The heart tears apart. Wanting to end my life.
You know, I had a sonography done for my right breast today. I had a doubt of a lump. Though the test turned out to be negative, I have deep pain within me now. I had no one to inform when I had the doubt. So went through the doubts and pains all alone. I sat alone outside the sonography lab, when all others who have come there for the test has been accompanied by atleast one person.
The pain chokes me.
It's choking up my throat.
I wish that my life ends somehow...
I wish that I sleep forever, and that would put an end to all my pains.
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