Healing

People say, art heals.
But for her, it was the artist who healed her.

She makes me love her

Maria, yesterday afternoon popped up an idea.

   "Amma, when you marry, you should marry an intelligent person."

   "Marriage? What? Why?" I was a bit taken aback from her sudden words, since we never discussed me getting married again though I have told her about the divorce.

    "Amma, I'm saying next time when you get married." The innocent voice seems to have this thought of me marrying again. The media effect - I thought.

   "But, darling, I may not get married. I will be happy with you. Once I finish my PhD our life is going to be different. Hush off such thoughts." Partially I did not know what to tell her but more I was worried about her such thoughts at this tender age. What all must be in her little heart. I felt sad.

    "By the way, what is meant by marrying an intelligent person?" I asked her, to normalize the situation.

    "See, Amma, I will select the guy for you. I know how to check if a person is intelligent." So, it's the matter of intelligence.

    "How will you find that a person is intelligent?" I asked.

    "Ok. Lemme explain." My toddler continued. "First I will ask him to write down the multiplication table for 15864. That too without looking at the internet."

    "Ha ha ha." I'm unable to stop my laughter at the tough measure she is planning.

    "Don't laugh. I have more questions and conditions." Maria.

    "What are they?" I'm more curious now.

    "He should buy things for you and take me through the streets by bike."

   "Also he should answer more questions like Who came first - God or Universe, How do you compute the biggest number, If fire is solid or liquid etc.. And more and more questions."

Oh honey, I can't stop hugging you now. How innocent and beautiful you are. 

Though I explained to her that getting a new guy is difficult in India, she seems to be very optimistic :) And I love her looots. She is my cute little huggy chubby baby bear.

A (little) feminist under construction!

So, it is our story time before bed. This time the girl has grabbed "Bible stories for kids" from the library. After a few chapters from Old Testament, she asked me why Jesus stories are missing in the Bible? So we moved onto The New Testament. The chapter we read, described how Jesus selected the disciples.

After I read all the disciples' name, Maria asked me a question which have never occured to me. She asked,

     "Amma, why Jesus did not select any girl disciple?"

What she meant is why none of Jesus' disciples are women? Valid question, with no answer from my side.

But honey, I'm so glad that you asked this question.

Healing

I'm healing,
healing from my love for you.
healing from the pains reminiscent.
healing from the wounds deep.

I smile and keep assuring me, it was a dream.
And thus, I'm healing from my love for you.

Thoughts

I do not blame you for breaking my dreams!

After all, you were never part of building them!!

Yes, there is good news from me...

And Ah, after two weeks of treatment at Ayurmana I have good news! 

Physically, I'm feeling much better. Though my weight has not come down too much, I have reduced a quite a lot of inches, having reduced my inflammations. And the pains too have reduced a lot. The body feels much lighter now, the stiffness has been reduced, and my joints are in better condition now. The doctors say that RA medicines can be reduced. I wish so too.

And my brain is generating new hopes now, a feeling that I  have lost for years. I'm able to make distinction between realities and the imaginative dreams that hold. And I'm able to accept my past, and my brain cooperated with me in making positive affirmations. 

Yesterday, after Virechana(purgation), I felt that I need to reduce my medicine dosages. And you know, I'm getting such a feeling after such a loooong time! I'm feeling like hugging Maria(she is away with Mr.D. now). I feel love for her. The burdensome feeling of bringing her up as a single mother is moving out. I feel, now, that after my PhD and into a job, I will do good!

I feel a desire for my well being! And these are new emotions for me!!

Meeting more people at Ayurmana

This time in Ayurmana, I met many a wonderful people.

1. Zeenat aunty from Dhaka. She is 69 and is here for her arthritis treatment. She is very happy with the results of the treatment. On a day, we were walking together in the evening and started to talk. This lady, who looks extremely simple and humble, had an excellent proficiency in English (I'm wowed :) ). As we talked, she opened up more. She told me her stories, how she, her sister and brothers started a food chain similar to KFC in Dhaka at their teenage years and for some reasons how they closed it, her life as a teacher, her life in London with her husband and her post retirement life wherein she and her siblings are supporting 13 girls in Dhaka for their studies (they run an NGO called WINGS in Dhaka). I was quite happy with meeting her and was thinking even at this age how much a useful life she is leading. 

2. Here is another wonderful person, Abhishek along with his mother. He is 19 and is suffering from MSR. He is on his fourth trip here and his mother says that he has improved extensively. Abhishek is quick witted, all smiling and brilliant. How I wish him a fastest recovery! Hats off to the mother who keeps his spirits up, always laughing and cracking jokes!!

3. And there is Shastry uncle from Hyderabad. He is leaving this place tomorrow. Shastry uncle is 79 and has come along with his wife. Both are under treatment for arthritis. This man is always in high spirit, loud speaking and cracking jokes. The best surprise happened to me, when he started to share his PhD stories for which he registered at the age of 72, in law. He joined for LLB after his retirement from being a power engineer. He completed his LLM post that, later enrolling for PhD and successfully completing it. And now he is into spirituality. He agrees to my agnostic views (partially I felt) and says that the existence of God (God, according to him is a combinatorial power of construction, sustaining and destruction) within ourselves and the cumulative effect from around forms the concept of Universal God. And I'm thinking, might be!

4. Sruti is here for her treatment of Alopecia. This is her second time here. And believe me, I just couldn't believe that she ever had had Alopecia.

5. Dr. Maya is the senior consultant here. She has been at Ayurmana Kuwait center, and has moved to Trivandrum in the last year. She is calm, authoritative and has been successful in convincing me many things, which I wouldn't have agreed to if heard from other people! As I said earlier, I'm generally awed by the super women in all ways. With single touch she is able to understand the level of inflammations that I carry and this makes the treatment better for me.

My Second trip to Ayurmana

Last year, during the month of May, I had been to Ayurmana, Trivandrum, Kerala, for treating my depression. This year too I planned for the same. And I'm back to this wonderful place, which gave me the strength to proceed with my divorce, by making me realise the realities that I'm going through. This time I have to treated for rheumatoid arthritis as well apart from depression.

I reached Ayurmana, on May 4th and will be here for three weeks, expecting more miracles. But, this time a new me has come here; my depression has gone up like anything and I'm a bigger challenge for the doctors over here. The normal phrases like "You should live for yourself", "You should consider your daughter", or "You should prove to them that you can do well without them" are not helping my brain. But they have been trying. I feel a little better now, after 10 days being here, though not fully. But, the rheumatoid arthritis is very well getting under control. 

After a week with me here, Maria is away with Mr.D.. He has developed a sudden feeling of love for her after I told him that I filed for divorce from him. He says that he is very upset with the fact that I'm not sharing my travel schedules with him; he is forgetting the fact that I have decided not to be bound with him anymore.

I have got Magic Seeds by Naipul with me and am enjoying the lone time reading though I'm worried about the emotional blackmail that would be practiced by Mr.D. and family onto her. At times, I'm sitting at my laptop, listening to Leonard Cohen's Dance me to the end of life. The man is awesome and making me feel his voice traversing throught the beautiful lyricas!

In those so very few days,
While we were nearby,
You noticed everything around,

      From the li'l yellow tint within those jasmine flowers
      To those odd petals of gulmohar blooms.

      From the pretty rain drops that fell from roof tops
      To the dark clouds that brought in showers down.
 
      From the aromas that instills memories
      To the creaky sound that the crickets spell.

      From the butterflies, to the birdies, to the insects,  and the people around
      To all the tiniest of tiny things that just passed by you.


You noticed everything around, but my heart!