After painfully going through a forced abusive marriage, I have been feeling at times that to live happily I do not need a marriage. A satisfying job would make me more happy, I feel. But, in reality, many a times I get scared to death at the mere thought of spending alone the rest of my life. On the flip side, I'm highly scared of getting into another marriage as well. To be safe and independent has become a priority now than to be happy by getting into an unpredictable marriage.
In retrospect, I see what I expected out of marriage. Being lived fatherless, I always had thought (infact I strongly believed) that I will get married to a father like figure. Having gone through painful experiences from my own mother and my brother, I had wanted a big family. Something like three children is what I always had written in my brain. I also wanted my loving in-laws with me and dreamt of having good relation with siblings of my husband.
I sit and wonder now, how all my dreams have turned upside down, with no fault of mine. Was it too much to ask for, when I wished to have a stable family? Anyways, I realise now that, whatever had happened cannot be erased from my life past. But wish that I could recover and heal as early as possible. I wish that all my pains end.
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