Onam 2018

For this Onam, Maria wanted a 'complicated' pookkalam. The girl is growing up and is getting more demanding. Usually pookkalam is designed and set by me in the most simplest way. I start by drawing a circular boundary and then draw some flower pattern inside and fill it up with the flowers available. But this time Maria wanted a google search for the pookkalam designs! She has excellent taste and has come up with designs in which thiruvathirakkali,  good shade effects, some scenery, Maveli, Krishna, peacock, etc. are being made. At last, after much of discussions, I could convince her for a design with Kathakali face. And below is the outcome.

Btw, Maria do not do much work :) She commands and I had toiled to make the pookkalam work. Hm...

The Labies and Thier Characteristics

My lab mates, let me call them Mr.Roy and Mr.Kumar (I will call me Ms.Me here), and me are having some good times. The following is some scenarios and how we three would react when encountered with these situations. Some are real and some imaginary.

Scenario: You find them as
Mr. Roy: A happy, motivating person.
Ms. Me: Always worrying, but laughs often no idea why.
Mr. Kumar: A calm healthy man, always ready to help out.

Scenario: When in smile
Mr. Roy: Cute smile and blushes.
Ms. Me: Can't smile, only laughs.
Mr. Kumar: That calm and serene smile.

Scenario: Meeting a person they don't like
Mr. Roy: Acts as if he has met with an accident in the near past and has lost his memory.
Ms. Me: "You bloody fellow"; thinks this but keeps quite. Acts brave.
Mr. Roy: Thinks "You again", but try to act calm.

Scenario: Their heart is with
Mr. Roy: Don't know where it is.
Ms. Me: With someone else.
Mr. Kumar: With everyone around.

Scenario: Sleeps at
Mr. Roy: Odd timings are best.
Ms. Me: Sleep at 9.00pm sharp and thinks otherwise the world would close down.
Mr. Kumar: Sleep at anytime.

Scenario: When they want to go for the evening tea (which they will have together)?
Mr. Roy: 6.00pm
Ms. Me: 4.00pm
Mr. Kumar: 5.00pm

Scenario: Worries about
Mr. Roy: No worries.
Ms. Me: Can easily worry about anything and everything under universe.
Mr. Kumar: Post post-doc life.

Scenario: When on YouTube
Mr. Roy: Good old songs and motivational videos.
Ms. Me: Some philosophy which even Einstein wouldn't grasp; but no worries, just listens.
Mr. Roy: Yoga sessions.

Scenario: What do they do in PhD?
Mr. Roy : Don't know, but no worries.
Ms. Me: Don't know; someone please tell me what to do.
Mr. Kumar: Don't know and hence worried.

Scenario: How did your PhD life begin?
Mr. Roy: Want Nobel Prize.
Ms. Me: Want Turing Award.
Mr. Kumar: Want Godel Prize.

Scenario: Current PhD state.
Mr. Roy: Sir, I request you to kindly give me my degree.
Ms. Me: Someone, please give me some degree.
Mr. Kumar: Please give me my doctoral degree.

Scenario: What they want to do after completing their PhD in Computer Science?
Mr. Roy: Organic farming.
Ms. Me: Hide in a forest.
Mr. Roy: Post-doc or job; confused.

Maria's Boyfriend

Yesterday evening Maria announced that she has a boyfriend in her class. The eight year old was emotionless when she said that, while I looked at her in surprise. I thought, it is these media that makes kids feel all these at such a young age. Then I asked her,

        "Who is a boyfriend?"

       "A boy who is a friend is a boyfriend. If you have girls as friends you call them girlfriends." The little voice replied.

       "Ok. So now you have a boyfriend. What's his name?" I asked, partially not knowing what else to ask and partially curious to see what she has in her mind.

       "I don't know his name." She replied.

My God, something like love at first sight or crush? My motherly heart started the investigation.

       "Then how do you say that he is your boyfriend?" I asked.

     "Oh, that. Today he sat next to me in the class and we finished all the classwork together." She replied excited.

Here I don't know what to say, but to feel the innocence that she has. But after a few minutes she came smiling to me and said,

       "Amma you know he told me something."

       "What?" 

      "He told that, my handwriting is very good. That's why I'm thinking of considering him as my boyfriend." The little one says, her eyes glittering.

Now what to say? Was she feeling shy? Noway. And I'm thinking how some of these little men are wired to make girls fall for them :) :) :)

The Low Moods

Of late, around a week, I'm feeling so low in my energies. My mood is drowning as if my life's most precious 'something' is snatched away from me. I feel as if I'm chocked and tears are coming down at any time. Sudden thoughts of worthlessness surrounds me. The thoughts of the past incident, in which Mr.D. has thrown food on me, makes me feel as if I'm an unwanted dust on the earth. 

                  "Who on the earth would go through this?" My logical brain asks.

                  "You, the unworthy dust!" My emotional brain replies and that breaks me.

Tears fall down; I feel extremely weak unable to control my own emotions. The orphaned feeling amasses me from all sides. I try to decipher my own state, but I'm lost. I feel as if I have lost my own soul somewhere. Yes I have lost it. If ever someone helps me to get it back!

Yesterday afternoon onward the brain has been behaving extremely bad. An extreme sense of worthlessness addend with deep pain was all I could feel. 

               "Who am I, to feel good? To feel wanted? To feel loved? To feel being cared?" The tug-of-war between the logical and emotional counterparts becomes a war field.
               "No one. You are no one to anybody in this world. You are just a dust who was forced and fooled into am abusive marriage." The emotional fellow wins and laughs. And I'm all lost. The heart sinks and gets heavier. Even cry spells couldn't help. The unwantedness pushes me down.

At around 6.30pm Mom calls and tells me that she has been feeling that I'm in some pain. I cried a lot. I burst into her for forcing me into this marriage through her emotional drama. She listens and her voice trembles as well. 

After sometimes, Maria picks up a book gifted to me by a dear friend of mine in the past. I found it surprising but my heart breaks thinking of my once light heart.

And, O this pain!

Who amasses my mind, body and soul!

Who makes me limb on day and night!

Who on this earth can drive you away?

I seek Mother Mary and the Universe ,

To guide me, and help me to move on.

I offer my tears and pains to them,

What else can I give them, other than these aches!!