The plans and fears

After painfully going through a forced abusive marriage, I have been feeling at times that to live happily I do not need a marriage. A satisfying job would make me more happy, I feel. But, in reality, many a times I get scared to death at the mere thought of spending alone the rest of my life. On the flip side, I'm highly scared of getting into another marriage as well. To be safe and independent has become a priority now than to be happy by getting into an unpredictable marriage.

In retrospect, I see what I expected out of marriage. Being lived fatherless, I always had thought (infact I strongly believed) that I will get married to a father like figure. Having gone through painful experiences from my own mother and my brother, I had wanted a big family. Something like three children is what I always had written in my brain. I also wanted my loving in-laws with me and dreamt of having good relation with siblings of my husband. 

I sit and wonder now, how all my dreams have turned upside down, with no fault of mine. Was it too much to ask for, when I wished to have a stable family? Anyways, I realise now that, whatever had happened cannot be erased from my life past. But wish that I could recover and heal as early as possible. I wish that all my pains end.

Thoughts & Feelings

Loving him left me just with some feelings.
And the feelings are
pain, pain, and pain.

Hope this phase ends....

I talked to Mr.D. the need of separation now. He listened initially. The points that I raised are:

1. Normal families do not function like this. This is an extremely dysfunctional family.
2. I have lost trust in him because of various reasons, including the case that he and his brothers solely have a WatsApp group.
3. In a normal family, according to me, everything is shared. In this family, I have no idea of what he does, his financial details, mobile, his contacts etc.. (I wanted to say that sex between husband and wife, is the epitome of mutual sharing between them. According to me, once a man and woman agrees to be in marriage, everything including their physical body is shared among each other. Since we never had any proper sex, except that he wanted a baby out of this marriage, and I feel extremely uncomfortable talking these things with him, I withheld myself from taking this point.)
4. I have a feeling that, he shows some competition to get Maria. I said that rather than we both rights on her, she has rights over her father and mother. So, wherever she is, even after separation, both will have equal rights on her and I would obviously have no issues in he visiting her, even for the duration which she would be with me. The moment he heard this he said, "I WILL NEVER COME TO YOUR HOUSE AFTER SEPARATION." 
5. Rather than all three living unhappy lives like this, it will be better if we get separated and live separately happy.
6. I, as a human being, have the right to get over my health issues. This environment has given me the diseases. Now i need to get over it.
7. I know that i will have financial struggle, once separation occurs till my PhD is over. But, I still feel it is better t be separated because, only in that case I will recover.
8. As a male, his chances of getting married after seperation is likely, so he can show Maria how a good family runs. 
9. I'm scared that, being in this family condition, in future, Maria would even say that she doesn't want to get married at all. 
10. In case of separation, it would be good if we can approach the process much peacefully than in a negative manner; this would help all three of us.

 He started responding after sometime only. His points:

1. All families are like this only. People adjust but I don't adjust.
2. Better to try to resolve the conflicts than seperation. Only then Maria would be happy.
3. I have treated him very very bad, so I dont need to clain that my disease is an aftereffect of his actions and words.
4.  I don't need to say, 'as a human being'; it sounds weird.

Loving me

Love yourself first. people tell me.
How. I ask.

Pamper yourself. Put you on high preference. They tell.
I tried but failed. I replied.

Then they recite a broken recipe.
Get out to nature,
         eat green,
         improve  endorphins, dopamine, serotonin,
         walk, jump, run,
         read, write, paint,
         cry, shout, scream,
         be playful, laugh a lot, smile at people,
         be kind, be contempt.

Nay, these rules do not work. Still I can't love me. I said.

But, on my lone walk, after a Sunday Mass,
I asked Me, how do I love you dear.

And I told Me.
There are only two commandments.
One - you not to attempt anything that would hurt you.
Two - be your own beloved and your parent.

And, now, I'm loving me.

And, O those weired blunders of mine :(

Goodness save me now!
Few days back, I was browsing through Prashant Miranda's works from his Facebook page. Before that, I did a poem for Jesna. This was done as a fun activity. My weird brain made me to think of sending it to her, on the Facebook chat (I was sitting infront of Facebook). I generally don't do that from Facebook since I'm not too regular on Facebook. Such a foolish idea it turned out to be. And I pasted the entire stuff onto Prashant Miranda's chat window!!! Luckily it carried no nonsense. But still... I apologized him but do not know what to do now. I'm scared, what would he think? Anyways, since the probability of meeting him ever in this lifetime is going to be almost null, I'm relieved.

Anyways, I said a temporary goodbye to Facebook after this incident, partially also because of my schedule and tensions.

And so, taking a break from Facebook for a few months. Let the PhD work progress to some extend and then can be back there. Till then, blogs, poems, and PhD work!

I'm recollecting some other such incidents done by me in the past.
     1. This incident happened during my graduations days. The nearest railway station for us was Tirur then. Once I was returning from my home to the college. I went to the railway station ticket issue counter and asked,
             "One ticket to Tirur."
             "I can issue ticket for you to any railway station in India from here, except Tirur." The person at the ticket counter replied. I started to think when and why Indian railway policies were changed. I then asked him politely,
             "Why Sir?"
             "Kutty, we are not allowed to issue tickets from Tirur to Tirur, from this counter." He replies even more politely.
      Ah, so that is the case! I'm into laughter and he smiles.

     2. Once I sent a mail to my co-PhD friend, detailing about some discussions that happened on one of the common topic that we both are working on. I made my writing in a very funny way. And this mail was sent to my professor instead of my friend. Luckily, the sarcasm was only on the topic and some related papers and did not carry anything about the professor. I understood my blunder, when I received a reply mail from my professor, appreciating my writing skills (he was very happy to see my skills and appreciates me for this even now). And my feeling when i read his mail...

But, but, I'm not alone in the boat. I have a friend, who in the middle of an examination stood up and asked loudly to the teacher, if answer to "question X" should only be written as "Y" or a full explanation on "Y" is needed. Since, in reality the answer for "question X" was "Y", the teacher ended up removing that entire question from the question paper for all the divisions. Tell me, ain't I better than this friend of mine?

Pain, pain, pain again

A few incidents happened in the last few days and I'm now not sure ifever i would recover from my depressed state. As I gaze back, the depression has attacked in me two ways. One is the sudden type of attack which occurs just after or during the cause of a depressive incident. This type is often caused by the words, actions and attitudes by my mother and brother. Their harsh words and negligence often times dagger through my heart, making my heart bleed. This might be because, when in difficult states, I expect that atleast they would be ready to help me out and when they deny my pleads, I feel lost. One such incident happened when I requested mother to help me out by staying with me, if Mr.D. would move out of house. She simply said that it is going to be difficult for her! And my heart cries here. With no one to help out. I want someone to take care of Maria, if Mr.D. is asked to move out. She has raised complaints against me to her son and he too has stopped calling me, together with her.

On another incident, I asked brother, if it would be possible for him to come to Mumbai once to meet the lawyer to discuss the legal proceedings of separation. He said it will be difficult since he will be in India only for three weeks and need to go to Bangalore for two days. I just can't digest these. You can't even come for a single day, to save your sister's life. Yesterday I asked him, if he could pick me and Maria up from the airport, when we reach hometown. Now this travel is planned for attending his son's baptism! He said it's not possible for him, since he would reach a day back of my travel he would have jet lag. What reasons are these? And I'm suddenly thrown into the filthy state of negligence and unwantedness. No one wants me. No one cares for me. It does not matter to anybody in this world, whether I'm alive or not. I just doesn't matter for them!!

The second type of attack doesn't happen just after the incident. It takes time for me to even realize the incident. Then slowly I digest the attack. And I fall into deep pits. Unable to get back. This is often caused my Mr.D.. His harsh words and violent actions generally makes me numb to react, since I already have the rooted feeling that no one help me out of this state. So I got numb when he called me fatherless, when he beat me, when he threw food on me. But after sometime, I realize something has happened. Then I just fall! The heart tears apart. Wanting to end my life.

You know, I had a sonography done for my right breast today. I had a doubt of a lump. Though the test turned out to be negative, I have deep pain within me now. I had no one to inform when I had the doubt. So went through the doubts and pains all alone. I sat alone outside the sonography lab, when all others who have come there for the test has been accompanied by atleast one person.

The pain chokes me.

It's choking up my throat.

I wish that my life ends somehow...

I wish that I sleep forever, and that would put an end to all my pains.

I'm fed up of hating, disliking, crying, ....

Of late my feelings are these.

I feel so much fed up of hating people...
I'm fed up of complaining...
I'm fed up of disliking people...
I'm fed up of crying and my tears...
I'm fed up of lack of smile on my face...

Yes, I want to love people.

I want to smile and laugh.
I want to feel being cared and loved.
I want to feel being wanted.
I want to enter a thankfulness sate.
I want to get healed.
I want to feel contented and happy.


Above all, I want to be loved! I just want to be immersed in love!!