Sometimes I sit and think, what my state is. After Mr.D. has moved out he has been upto multiple dramas and I have been surely affected by them. After all, that is all he wants. His phycological games on Maria, which he does through phone calls, has been bothering me a lot too. I think, for what I'm even living on this earth!
Sure, this uselessness feelings amasses me at times like anything. Neither my mother makes an attempt call me. I, at times used to think, what I would have felt if Maria was to undergo what I'm going through right now. Such a thing would have crushed me. I would have supported her like anything. I could never bear my little one going through such pain. And, here is this lady, who claims to be my mother, not even bothering to make atleast a single call knowing that I'm in such a pain. I have earlier written about her, but haven't published it, due to lack of time. I will soon publish it. Might be, writing it would relieve my pain to some extend.
And I have a male sibling. He too do not call me. He contacted me somewhere in August 2018; then he was sharing his troubles as to how he struggles financially (having been onto an US onsite job that time). May be he was scared that I would seek financial help from him and so took a bail in advance, so that I do not ask for any money from him. He, once, also asked me how I plan to support myself financially, during the intermediate period between my graduation and job hunt. He, probably, is not aware that unlike in other degrees, we PhDians join for jobs before our final degree is in our hands.
And I'm here, all alone, going through the darkest of moments, financially, emotionally and physically. I do not know I should live. But, thinking of Maria and the tortures she would have to undergo, once I'm no more (who would want her when she is my daughter, they not even want me), I prolong my life here on earth.
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