My Morther - II, The fatherless girl who went through abuses

As I wrote here, my mother never smiled. Now, at this stage of my life, wherein I go through my lonely marital divorce, I'm not just taking divorce from an abusive partner but also from my own mother and brother. As I heal now, I feel that my healing is multi-dimensional. 

I realise now that my mother is an extremely unhappy person. It is not only that she herself is unhappy, but also she is unable to handle other's happiness. It never mattered to her whether the happiness that she observed with is from her own mother, sisters, brother, neighbors, colleagues or her daughter. The problem is that her unhappiness do not just reside in her. She would always use the opportunity to 'punish' the people whom she found to be happy. 

From the time I was born, she hasn't touched me even once I feel. Atleast from the time I can recollect, she neither touched me nor talked to me let even  smiled at me. She was completely negligent towards all my emotional, physical, and psychological needs. I always doubted (even wished multiple times) if she could be my real mother. Since the society never told me that she is not my mother, I had a hard time accepting the reality. 

She owns a powerful harsh language, that can dagger your heart. She complains that I'm dark-skinned (karuthathu she says in Malayalam). Also, she kept saying "You do not like me", or "You are like your grand mother (her own mother, about whom she would talk filthy)", or "You are jealous of your brother" or "You don't like me being happy" or "You are a liar". When such words fell onto my ears, the ideas which neither I could decipher nor I have never thought even in my dreams, I began growing numb. I always felt guilty for reasons which I do not know. I felt ugly and believed that no one would like me. I also had a strong belief that no one would marry me since I look ugly.

Now when I look back at the past life of mine, of around 35 years, I'm surprised what I have been going through. I feel liberated and at peace now, though I'm going through a tough divorce, with not much help from around me.