This Divorce of mine

This divorce of mine is so very difficult to manage.

It is difficult not because I'm getting 'A Divorced' status. It is difficult because I have to manage all my life alone through this. I have to deal with my PhD pressure, job search, managing Maria and take care of all household works. The physical stress that I'm going through is a lots. My Rheumatoid Arthritis adds onto my pains.

Managing Maria's studies, her extra-curricular activities, her health have been difficult. But, not unmanageable as of now. I fight between the school auto-wallah who wants advance salaries every now and then, and the house maids who opts not to inform their leaves. I either have to take Maria to my lab or sit at home, to take care of her. She is present with me in many of my meetings with my advisor. It's a struggle for her as well. But, my honey has been extremely accommodating.

I meet people, who after listening to my story, are hesitant to interact with me. Many are scared that I would ask for help, especially monetary. A friend of mine, who kept saying that I'm there for you (and kept loading my head with her problems with her mother-in-law) advised me not to spend any money from now own, not even in clothing, shut her doors against me for my request to keep Maria with her kid (at her house), for half a day, when I had to go to court. She says external kids make the house dirty and she will have to spent money in cleaning it up. The fact that, in Mumbai, a days extra cleaning work would take less than Rs.50/- surprises me, when she says so.

My mother has completely stopped calling me. She is scared of any help that I may need from her. I wish that I was not born her daughter. My brother stopped any interactions with me, scared of financial help that I may seek. Once when my sister in law told that they have plans to come to Mumbai, I asked them if they can come during a particular week, since I had court hearing scheduled then, they cancelled their trip (might be they came, without informing me. After all, I was only a free lodging facility for them).

But it's not all around me are like this. There are occasional genuine help from many around. Two of my lab mates have been extremely supportive. There has been unexpected helps, popping up, at times of extreme need.

But, amidst all these, my depression is coming down. Another anti-depressant have been removed for me and my psychiatrist says I will move out of depression in a few months. The wrong people's (Mr.D., mother and brother) absence is aiding my recovery from depression. I wish that I have taken this step years back.